11.Christmas

The Today  show  says  that  today  is  December  25,

1993. I t is day 907 of my captivity. I t is Christmas Day. I  am

alone. I  am mostly always alone. No one to talk to; no one to

hug  me  unless  Phillip  comes  in.  He  gives  me  hugs

sometimes and makes me feel loved. But am I  really? Will I

always feel this alone? I  try not to dwell on the things I  don’t

have. Phillip thanks me for helping him with his problem. He

said he  is  reading  the Bible now and God  is helping him,

too. I  hate the sex so much, but at least it’s not as bad as

last year. Phillip has made  the  “runs” a  lot shorter and he

hasn’t  been  taking  any  drugs  in  between.  He  says  he’s

trying  to  quit.  The  last  “run” was  a  couple  of weeks  ago.

Sometimes he  comes  in  for  a  quick masturbation,  but  at

least he doesn’t always stick it in me. He says he saves it

now  for  the  “runs.”  I   hate  drugs,  I   wish  he  wouldn’t  take

them.  I   think  they  turn him  into another person. He seems

nice the rest of the time. That’s how I  get through the sex, I

just tell myself it will be over and he will come back and be

the  “nice” person  I   think he can be.  I   just have to get past

Feeling the pain.

He seems  to have an opinion on everything, especially

religion.  Ever  since  he  came  back  from  his  stay  at  the

prison  he  has  been  reading  the Bible  a  lot. He  says  the

mysteries  of  the  Bible  are  becoming  clear  to  him.  He

doesn’t seem really religious  to me. The “runs” have been

really  scary  lately, but  I ’m getting used  to  them. At  least  I

know what  to  expect. He  likes  to  follow  a  routine mostly.

He’s been acting strange lately, though. He thinks he hears

voices  from  the TV even when  it’s muted. He asks me  if  I

can  hear  it,  too,  and  I   say  I   don’t  hear  anything,  but

sometimes I ’m afraid to disagree with him. He bought this

device called Bionic Ears and he puts it up to the wall and

puts on headphones and listens to the wall for hours. On the

one hand, it’s great because I  don’t have to jack him off or

anything, but  it’s weird,  too. What does he hear? He says

he  hears  conversations  and  people’s  voices.  I   don’t  pay

much attention, it gives me the opportunity to get some rest.

Not much  is going on  for Christmas  today. Nancy  said

she  would  bring  me  a  plate  of  Christmas  dinner  that

Phillip’s mom makes. She and Phillip said they would have

eaten back here with me but his mother would be alone, so

they would come in later tonight. I  wonder what my mom is

doing today. They are probably having a nice family dinner

together. I  hope she is happy. I ’m sure Carl is a lot happier

now that I  am gone. I  don’t think he liked me much. I  got in

the  way  a  lot.  I   wonder  if  I   will  ever  feel  happy  again.  I

pretend I ’m happy a lot, just so Phillip and Nancy don’t feel

bad.  I’ve  learned  that having a good attitude around  them

makes  them want  to do more  for me. So  I   keep my  true

feelings to myself.

My  plans  for  the  day  are:  1. watch  the Today  show,  2.

Play a couple hours of Super Mario Bros., 3. T ake a nap,

and 4. Hopefully by then it will be dinnertime. My day. Very

exciting.  I   am  so  lonely.  I  wish  I   had  someone  to  talk  to.

Tomorrow will probably be the same.

Reflections

During these interceding months I  am moved back and

forth  from  the  “studio”  to  “next  door” many  times.  I ’m  not

sure why I  was shuffled from one room to the next. I  think a

part of it was because he liked to have some of his friends

come  over  and  smoke  weed  and  play  music  all  night.  I

remember  the music coming  from  the studio.  I t would  last

until  the wee  hours  of  the morning  sometimes.  I t was  so

loud  it was  hard  to  sleep.  I   got  used  to  hearing  it  and  it

became  easier.  I t made me  feel  like  he was working  to

improve  the  future, and  I   learned not  to mind.  I  never saw

any of the people that went in there with him. I  know Nancy

was in there and would have to sneak away to come over

and  feed me when  they  had  company.  I   think  it was  just

Phillip  in  there,  fiddling around with his sound equipment,

playing  by  himself.  I   really  began  to  think  he’d  be  a

musician one day. He had original songs that he wrote. He

said he taught himself to play guitar. He said his instrument

was bass but he amazed himself how well he played  the

guitar and keyboard. He said he didn’t really need anyone

to play with him, that with the equipment he had he could be

a one-man band. Nancy wanted to play the drums. She had

books on  the subject and she said  the drums were hers.  I

could hear her practicing on them sometimes, too.

During one of the times I  was “next door,” Nancy said she

was looking in the paper for another kitty for me. This time

they  wanted  to  get  me  a  kitten.  I   wasn’t  sure  I   wanted

another kitty.  I t was so hard  to give up  the  last kitten  that  I

really didn’t want  to go  through  that again. But  in  the end  I

didn’t  protest  very  much.  Nancy  found  an  ad  for  a  four-

week-old  kitten  in  the Pennysaver,  and  called  to  inquire.

Turns out  the kitten had a slight cold, but  I  decided  I  really

wanted  this one, so  they went  to go get her. She was  the

cutest thing I  had ever seen. She was fluffy and white and I

named  her  Snowy.  She  was  a  sweet  little  thing.  Phillip

didn’t want her to have the run of the room, so I  had to leash

her  to her scratching post.  I  would  let her off of  it when he

wasn’t around.  I t was hard during  “runs,”  though, because

she  would  cry  and  meow  so  loudly  wanting  to  get  free.

Phillip didn’t want cat hair sticking  to  the Vaseline  that he

used  for  masturbating  and  to  lubricate  me.  Eventually

Snowy interfered and interrupted too much with his fantasy

and he got rid of her, too.

At one time I  had a small tent in the room next door to

the studio. They got it for me for my birthday. (I know, ironic

gift, right?) I  had my own sleeping bag, a shelf which I  used

for a desk and bookshelf.  I  had my own TV  in  there,  too.

When Phillip would come  in  for sex,  I  would have  to  leave

my little sanctuary. Phillip was a lot longer than the tent, so it

didn’t work for him to come in and make me have sex. He

would  lay a blanket on  the  floor  “next door” and make me

lay  there and said he would be quick  if  I  didn’t struggle.  I

remember  laying  there with unshed  tears  in my eyes and

looking at my  little  tent and  longing  to crawl back  in. They

got me another cat, which I  named Eclipse. I  think I  had her

for  about  a month  until Phillip  took  her  away,  too.  I   don’t

remember why. I  do remember I  wrote a journal about her. I

would chronicle all the things she did during the day. I t’s one

of the few things I  eventually received back after the police

removed  evidence  from  the  property. The  front  looks  like

this:

As you can see, although I’ve always loved writing I ’m not

the best speller, as this cover shows. When I  got this journal

back  from  the police and  read  it,  I   noticed  I   had  torn  the

corners of  the  title page.  I t brought back  the memory and

how guilty I  felt for writing my name in the first place. In the

torn-off  corner  I   had  written:  “this  is  written  by  Jaycee

Dugard” on  the  first page of  that  journal.  I  wrote Eclipse’s

Journal  in  1993,  but  already Phillip’s  control  over my  life

was almost absolute. I  remember, I  was so proud that I  had

written  this  for  my  kitty  and  wanted  to  share  it  with

someone, I  showed it to Phillip and he saw that I  had put my

name in it. He preached to me for I  think an hour about how

I   really didn’t want  to write my name, and how dangerous

that could be if anyone else ever read it. I  thought to myself,

I  never see anyone, though, but I  didn’t interrupt because it

always ended with why he was right and I  was wrong. So I

tore out the corners with my name and never wrote my real

name on anything again until 2009.