I’m watching
many baby shows
to prepare myself to
take care of a baby. Phillip started watching a lot of child
care shows, too. He especially likes a gentleman on TLC; I
can’t remember his
name, though. He has rented birthing
videos from the library and watched them with me. I t looks
pretty scary, but he said he could do it and nothing would
go wrong.
Every day seems to melt into the next. I don’t know what
is going to happen. All the preparation seems to melt away
and I have no
recollection of the day-to-day activities I
did to
prepare for an infant’s arrival. Phillip moved me next door
to what he calls “next door.” I have a bed and dresser and
my own TV.
This afternoon as
I was watching Doctor
Quinn: Medicine Woman—it’s one of my favorite shows to
watch—I have been
having sharp pains all day, but I didn’t
really think anything
of it this morning; I have
been in pain
before. But this pain seemed different and started to get so
severe by afternoon
I couldn’t even move.
Is this what
it
feels like to
have a baby?
I wish I
wasn’t alone. I
am so
scared! No one has come to check on me all day and the
door was still
locked, so I
have to wait
until someone
comes.
hunched over in pain. She goes to get Phillip and he asks
me all kinds of questions like, how long do the contractions
last and that sort
of thing while Nancy
stuff they need, like
towels and hot water. Phillip
reminds
me about the
birthing videos and
reassures me that
he
knows what to do. Nancy
anyone else.
The contractions last into the night. I twist and turn and try
to find a comfortable position, but nothing helps. I t is
late by
the time my water finally breaks. At first I thought I
had peed
myself. I tell
Phillip and he thinks it won’t be long now. When
my water broke I felt an
instant of relief from
the constant
pressure I had been
feeling for months as the baby grew
inside of me. The pressure returned after that when it was
time for me to push. I
have never been in so much pain in
my life. Phillip tells me I
need to push now. I t seems like it is
taking forever and
the baby is
still not coming.
He feels
inside and discovers
the cord is
around the baby’s
neck
and is
preventing the baby from coming out. He uses his
finger to pull
the cord away
slightly and the
next push is
successful! Nancy
had the placenta to push out. That seems to
take forever,
too. After that they gave her to me to hold for the first
time
and cleaned up all the mess and changed my sheets. I am
exhausted and all I want to do is go to sleep. I nurse her for
the first time, which
feels very strange to me and then we
both went to sleep. My baby girl came into the world at 4:35
a.m., August 18, 1994.
I am fourteen
years old and very,
very scared.
Reflection
Recounting that day,
I can’t believe
that was me that
went through this.
I can’t imagine
ever going through
something like this again by myself. Obviously, I didn’t have
a choice with the
second pregnancy either. How did I not
just go insane with
worry? How do you get through things
you don’t want to do? You just do. I did it because that was
the only thing I
could do. I would do
it all again. The most
precious thing in the world came out of it … my daughters.
I ’m not sure why Phillip chose the name he did for my first
daughter, which later
in his delusional
thinking began to
symbolize the powerful spirit forces that controlled his
mind.
I have my own reason
for not protesting the name she was
given. T o me her name symbolizes everything good in the
universe. I t encompasses my old
beliefs and helped me
hold on to those beliefs even when I was hit the hardest with
his “angel theory.”
I don’t think
of myself as
a religious
person. Even with all the many hours Phillip insisted we sit
and listen to his interpretation of the Bible, I still don’t really
know if I believe in
the Bible at all. When I was little,
before I
was taken away
by Phillip, one
of my favorite
things to
collect were these figures called “Precious Moments.” They
came in all kinds of shapes and sizes, and each one had a
unique quote on a
locket necklace. I received a Guardian
Angel Precious Moment for my ninth birthday. I kept it in its
stand atop my dresser.
কোন মন্তব্য নেই:
একটি মন্তব্য পোস্ট করুন