I am pregnant again.
I was so afraid
it would happen
again. He’s only been on a few “runs” these last few years.
He hasn’t been
taking as many drugs. And
he seems to
have a steady job
working at a nursery for a guy he calls
Marvin. Marvin lets him take home lots of wood and stone
steps, too. Phillip still says that he is going to put up a
tall
fence so I can go
outside and enjoy the sunshine. I think
A
enjoys going outside,
too. Nancy
outside to play,
but I can’t
go because they
are afraid
someone will see me.
I don’t want to get
them in trouble.
Where would I go
if they were gone? Would Nancy
go if Phillip wasn’t around? I don’t think she would because
she didn’t let me go
when Phillip was sent back to prison
that one month. She had
the opportunity then, and I
didn’t
even know it. I t sure would be nice to go outside once in a
while. Phillip has built a
room outside of the room I
’m in.
Even though it
is outside, I
still can’t go anywhere
else
without Phillip or
Nancy. This new
room is enclosed
on
three sides, and he has put my toilet in there along with
the
mini-fridge, and he has hooked up a sink. I can get water.
Sometimes I go sit on
the pot while A is playing inside just
to get a
little break from
her. I know
this is wrong and I
shouldn’t mind being
with her all
day, but it
is so
overwhelming at times. When she realizes I am
gone, she
starts to bang on the door and I tell her I
will come in when
I ’m finished with
the bathroom, but
she throws a
fit and
screams and acts like she can’t bear to be away from me.
She’s usually a good girl, but when she has a tantrum about
something I just
don’t know what to do. Nancy
set up a chair in the corner and make her sit there. I did try
that, but she just gets up and does what she wants. She’s
very headstrong. Our
days are usually
spent playing
together. She has a myriad of toys
that Nancy and Phillip
have brought her. She
likes watching Sesame
Street
Barney in the mornings, and I like to teach her ABCs. She’s
three now and I
’m still
breastfeeding her, which
is hard,
because she is bigger now and has teeth. I constantly have
to tell her to not bite me. Phillip says I am
doing the best
thing that I could
possibly do for her by breastfeeding.
I don’t know how
I know I ’m pregnant again, but I know I
am. My body has this full feeling. The last time he made me
have sex with him, he didn’t pull out in time and the semen
went in. He said this time would be the last time ever.
I don’t
know if I can
believe him because he has said that
many
times before. He says he’s been working on his problem
and that I
won’t have to suffer
anymore. I don’t know what
has made him
say he is
going to stop.
I know it is
something I have always wanted him to do.
I hate it. Each
and every time. There is no enjoyment for me, even though
he says one
day I will
enjoy it. I
wonder how he will
feel
about another baby. I
know he loves A and swears to God
that he would never harm her
in any way. He said he was
holding her in his arms in the studio one day and he prayed
to God and cried out,
“God, please don’t ever let me
hurt
this little girl.” He said God cured him of his sexual
problem
and that’s why he says he will never touch me again. I want
to believe him,
but it’s hard
to believe that
he will never
touch me again. Sometimes
I dream about running away,
but I have nowhere to
go. And now I will have another baby.
I can hear the van.
The van that Phillip drives has a very
loud motor and although
I have never
seen it, I
can hear
when he leaves and
comes home again. I t reminds me of
the commercial on TV about the Dodge vans having “Hemi”
engines. Hemi
engines are very
loud. I can
hear the van
when it comes or goes. At times I feel anxious when I hear
the van leave. Mixed feelings make my pulse accelerate. I
like it when he is gone, but I worry about being alone. I know
he will always
return. I don’t
know how I
feel about that
either. I do not want
to be alone, but when he is gone, there
is no sex to worry about. I
have not left this place since the
“trailer home” drive.
When he comes in
with fish and chips from Jack
in the
Box, I smile and say
thank you. He says he has a surprise
and says I
am going to
go to the
studio so that
he and
sick and that I
think I am pregnant again, and he says he
knows and that he will take care of everything. He says he’s
really happy and that he knows it’s going to be another girl
because God knows that’s what he needs. I am seventeen
years old and about to have my second baby.
I go to the studio
and play with the baby for a while, and
when they come back hours later, I follow them back into my
room and to
my surprise see
a big red
bunk bed. I t is
humongous. The bottom bunk is a full size and the top is a
twin. The bottom
sticks out about
two feet from
the top
bunk, so there
is room for me
to sit without bumping my
head. There’s a ladder that leads up to the top bunk, and A
wants to climb it. Phillip helps her up and she is excited
to
be up so high. They ask if I
like the color and I say yes,
I do,
even though I
don’t really like
red. I would have preferred
blue or black or even silver. But they both
thought that I ’d
really like the red color. The room looks even smaller now.
I
think about how
there is not
much room for
A to play
anymore; but, oh
well, it is
a nice bed. I
’m also
a little
bummed because now I
can’t rearrange the room too much
anymore; that was one
of my most favorite things
to do to
make the room
look different from
time to time
’cause
everything is so much the same.
Phillip has been working outside on the fence every day
and it is
finally done. I am so excited
to go outside. I will
have so much more freedom now. Nancy
says I should close
my eyes so it will be a surprise. I
close
my eyes and as Phillip
takes A and I take Nancy
and we walk out together into the sunshine, I can feel it, the
sun, warm on my face.
There is an
old picnic table
and
bench out here. And Phillip and Nancy say that we can have
barbecues out here and be a real family. I am really looking
forward to having
a family and doing things again.
I have
been cooped up for
so long. There’s also an old dresser
out here, too, and on it is a cute little guinea pig in a
cage.
He’s so cute. Phillip says it’s for me. He said his
neighbor,
J., didn’t want
him anymore. He
said she has
so many
animals, she asked Phillip if he wanted a guinea pig. I pick
him up and
he squeals a
little. I show
him to A and
she
starts to laugh and rub her nose in his soft fur. I have been
watching this new TV
show lately called 7th Heaven. The
family in it has a dog named Happy. I think I
will name the
guinea pig Happy.
Nancy doesn’t seem to like the name I’ve chosen for the
guinea pig. She keeps calling it Guinevere, even though it’s
a boy. I
think it’s weird. But she
can call it whatever
she
wants, I guess. Nancy
But I still really
want her to like me. Phillip says he has many
talks with her and encourages her to be my
friend more. I
wonder if that will
ever happen. Sometimes she
tells me
how much she hates the summertime. She says Phillip and
she will drive
to school playgrounds
and parks and
videotape little
girls. Sometimes she has to
entertain little
girls and get
them to do
the splits and
sit with their legs
apart so he can videotape it secretly. She says the camera
is hidden, and one time he cut a piece out of her purse and
put the camera in there. So weird and disgusting, I think. He
said he was working on his sex problem. I t doesn’t seem to
me that he is. I know
he still smokes crank and weed with
Nancy and he
uses the videos
to masturbate with. I
still
don’t understand his problem. All I know is that he has one.
At least there are no more “runs” for me for now. I hope he
leaves those other kids he videotapes alone.
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