Easter Sunday, 1994.
I have been moved back to the
studio.
Phillip said that
he thought he
had heard someone
talking about police
in the neighborhood
and thought I
would be better
protected in the
semi-soundproof studio.
He said I had to
be extra quiet when I walked around. He
removed the wall that
used to separate
the mixing room
from the music room. Now it is one big room. I have a new
pallet on the floor in the back corner. There is a partition
to
give me a feeling of privacy. It’s Easter and we have been
spending the whole
day together. Nancy,
Phillip, and I .
Phillip and Nancy have a bed in middle of the room. I t is a
mattress with no box spring. We have been watching The
Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston and
eating a
ham dinner that
Phillip’s mother Pat made. They both
tell
me to close my eyes. When I
open, I see an Easter basket.
The basket is
filled with candy and
it also has
two little
Easter bunnies, a boy and a girl. I
tell them thank you and
that I love it.
Phillip says there is something that he needs to
talk to me
about. He says
he and Nancy
have been
watching me lately
and noticed that I
’d been
putting on
weight and waddling instead of walking. I said I
know. I told
them I did feel
bigger and that I didn’t realize I was walking
funny. I told
them my stomach was hurting a
lot, too. They
said, “We think
you may be pregnant.”
I am stunned
and
scared. What was going to happen to me? What was going
to happen to the baby? I
knew babies were delivered in a
hospital. After all,
that was where my mom had delivered
my little sister. I
wonder how I could possibly have
a baby in
this place. I will
probably have to give her up for adoption,
how can I
possibly raise a
baby in this
environment? I
wonder if Phillip is happy about this baby. I don’t feel like I
can ask him in front of Nancy
ask him later. When Nancy
don’t see her or she doesn’t talk to me for days.
A few days later, on
the inside I am
still haunted by the
thought of having to give up the baby. I need to talk to Phillip
about it soon. Phillip brings China
spaniel, to visit me.
China
told me how he found her. He said he was at a gas station
a few years back with his door open while he filled the car
up with gas. All of a sudden this dog jumped in. He took her
home. When his mother is away from the house at work (I
learned she works at a school as the head
janitor), Phillip
brings China
head on my ever-expanding, painful tummy. All my worries
just seem to melt away. Laying there with China
and feeling the
baby move and kick my
ribs, I come
to
realize that I can
never give up my baby. Giving her away
was not even an option.
I would figure a way out before
ever gave her away. I
don’t know how I would do that,
but
know I wouldn’t stop
until I did.
The connection I
feel for this baby
inside of me ever
time I feel it move
is an incredible feeling. I talk to my
bell
and tell it stories. Every time I feel the baby kick, I feel less
and less alone in this world. My body is growing every day
accommodating the
baby inside of me. My ribs are being
pushed out and
it’s very painful.
I can feel
my body
changing. I ’m not
sure how far along I am,
but I ’m
thinking
I’ve been pregnant
for a while
and just didn’t
show right
away. That’s what Phillip says. He seems very happy that
I ’m having a
baby and never
brought up anything
about
giving it away.
Reflection
I’ve been thinking back about what I’ve been writing and
I ’m not so sure things went exactly the way Phillip said
the
went. For example,
it’s a load
of malarkey that
some
random dog just
happened to jump
into his car at the gas
station. I t doesn’t ring true now that I think about it. I wonder
how he actually got China
doubt him. I
remember thinking, Dogs
don’t just jump
in
strangers’ cars. He
would always talk
about how much
animals loved him. He had an Irish setter named Baby. He
said that she had puppies and those puppies would come
running when he would make this special call. Nancy
always say how much animals really liked him, too. I never
really saw it
as something special,
though. Animals like
their owners. Even
when an animal
is mistreated or
abused, some animals
crave love and
affection so much
they would do anything for that attention.
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