There is a stray
cat in
the backyard that Phillip feeds
and she had a batch of kittens. He calls her “mama kitty.”
She is going to
live in the house with Phillip’s mother. He
found homes for
all the kittens
except one who
he is
keeping tied up in the backyard. He named him Blackjack.
He is very
friendly. It’s nice having a kitty around again. I
didn’t like how
Phillip was treating him,
though. When he
would go on
his “runs,” Blackjack
could sometimes be
heard crying at night. He
is not fixed yet, so the crying
is
loud and gets on Phillip’s nerves. T o shut him up, he
tosses
the contents of his urine bucket on poor Blackjack. I hate it
and tell him
to stop. When he’s
high on drugs,
he never
listens to me. But I
bring it up again when he’s coming off of
the drugs and he says he feels bad about doing that to the
cat and promises me he won’t use that method anymore. I
tell him it would help to get him fixed, and Phillip says he
will
look into getting it done.
Reflection
Blackjack lived a
long life. Toward
the end I
took
primary care of him and I
was the one that found him when
he died. I t was very hard for me. At the time, I had made a
cat enclosure which he would go in at night
to keep safe,
and that’s where I
found him one morning. I t
was in 2002,
he was all curled up dead and stiff. I
cried a lot for him.
I
could tell his time was coming, though, because he was not
himself for many days before that.
A few years later, when the girls were little, I used to go
outside to be by myself. Sometimes I would feel a pressure
build inside of me.
The need to
run away would
feel so
heavy that in order
to soothe myself, I would sit by myself
outside. Not where anyone could see me—just to a point
where I felt
I was away and by myself. One of
my favorite
spots was a woodpile that was on the other side of one of
the many fences in the backyard. One day I noticed that a
stray cat was going back there a lot, so I sat for a long time
and watched and,
sure enough, out
popped three little
kittens. I put wet
food out for them,
trying to lure
them out.
Only one turned
out to be
friendly and I
asked Phillip if I
could keep him and he said yes. The others he took to the
local pound for adoption. The one I kept was a male, long
hair, he looked like a Maine
think he was the first cat that I really felt was mine. Although
I loved Eclipse,
I never really
felt she was mine.
I found
Tucker myself. I fed him.
I made sure he was safe, I
loved
him deeply. He was always so sweet and affectionate and
came whenever I called. Well … sometimes.
I remember
one evening at dinnertime, I
called and called and he didn’t
come for the longest time. I
usually let them out during part
of the day and then I
put them back inside their enclosure at
night by feeding them. Well, that day I called and called and
was becoming very
scared that I
would never see
him
again. When
there he comes
over the fence
and starts
meowing for dinner. I
was so relieved. He lived in there with
a stray cat that we caught in one of those humane cat traps.
We kept seeing this black stray cat around the yard and he
was eating all the
birds, so we decided we needed to do
something. We caught him and got him fixed and I decided
to keep him, too. I
named him Lucky. He turned out to be a
very nice cat, too.
Very good personality, loved to eat! He
lived with Tucker
for many, many
years. They were
like
brothers. The
day they died
broke my heart. T o this
day,
even writing this right now I feel the tears coming.
I t all started the day before Halloween. I was in the office,
working, when G came running in saying there were two big
dogs in our backyard. I
became concerned for the kids first
of all and ran outside to see them for myself. As soon as I
got out there,
two big huskies
went running back
from
where they had come from, which happened to be through
a hole they had
chewed from our neighbors’ yard to ours
through two fences.
I put up a piece of wood and thought
that would take care of the problem; looking back, I wish so
much I would
have taken the
time to do
a better job of
securing that fence, but hindsight is 20-20.
The next day,
about midmorning, I was
working in the
office again, when in came the kids again saying the dogs
were back. This
time I wasn’t
as panicky. They
seemed
harmless to me, and I
was sure as soon as I went
outside
they would go back over
the fence. So Phillip, Nancy
girls, and I went out
to the back and shooed them back over
and were getting ready to make the hole more secure so it
wouldn’t happen again. Everyone was out there helping me
get the dogs back over and then I turned around and went
to say “Hi”
to my cats, Tucker
and Lucky, but
they didn’t
move because they
were dead. I
felt such devastation
I
don’t think I
moved for a
long time. Phillip saw me,
then
looked at them and saw the huge hole the dogs had made
in the enclosure
which they were
in. The kids
were out
there, too, and hadn’t seen them yet or even realized what
had happened, they just saw me sobbing and on my knees.
I just couldn’t help
it. I was so devastated. Phillip stayed
with
me while Nancy
told them, but I
stayed outside sobbing. Phillip went over to
the neighbors to let them know what happened, and I soon
heard them working
on the
fence. Surely, they could hear
me cry, too;
but I just wanted
them to fix
the fence so it
didn’t happen again to any of our other cats. I cried all day
that day and
several days thereafter,
especially during
feeding time when I
didn’t have to make as many dishes as
I used to; those
times were especially hard and sometimes
I would have A
finish. I stayed in bed a lot and slept;
the first
night I cried so hard during the day
that I got a killer sinus
headache that night
and wasn’t able to sleep well. I t
took
time to get over the
loss of them, especially Tucker,
who I
will remember forever
because I found
him and he
loved
me.
In 2006, Nancy and I
brought home two kittens on one of
our thrift store
outings for the girls. They were being given
away in a box outside of the supermarket. We picked two
out and brought
them home. The
girls named them
Princess and Misty.
Princess attached herself
to my
youngest
daughter and would follow
her around like a
puppy. Misty was
more of the
laid-back type and
spent
many hours in my eldest daughter’s lap.
We also had
two dogs that
used to belong
to our
neighbor who had
months earlier fallen
in his house
and
was moved to an elderly care facility. Phillip brought his
two
dogs—Mindy, a pit
bull/Labrador mix and
Rowdy, a
German shepherd/rottweiler ball of puppy energy. We soon
learned that the
two dogs loved to chase
cats, and since
we had so many on the property, we decided to build a dog
run for them. I would
take them out once a day for a walk on
the leash around the backyard. Rowdy would always pull,
so I didn’t think
anything of it when he suddenly yanked so
hard on the leash and
tried to pull me toward
the old barn
that was in the
middle of the
property. I t was
half falling
down and I
warned the girls multiple times
to stay away
from it. Rowdy was adamant about sniffing around the barn,
so I gave
in and let him lead me over. There was a small
cutout looking into the barn and he immediately jumped up,
peered inside, and
started whining. I pulled him away and
looked in myself and didn’t see anything at first because it
was so dark
in there. I
finally saw some movement
and
discovered it was a tiny kitten. One of the strays in the
area
had a litter
of kittens in
our barn. For
several days I
just
watched them and noticed their mother come and go a few
times. I took
the girls out and showed
them from afar the
new kittens, and they
wanted to bring them
in the room.
I
told them not
yet because we
really didn’t have
enough
money to take care of four new kittens. I didn’t know what to
do. All our cats had
been fixed, but it was hard
to find a
program in the
area for free
or discounted spay
or
neutering. After the first week I noticed that the kittens were
crying a lot and I
hadn’t seen their mother come
back for
days. I thought maybe
the feral mother became scared and
might have abandoned her kittens. After talking with Phillip
and letting him know
about the kittens, he said we should
get them out of the barn and
then decide what to do with
them. Through that
small opening, we were able to wiggle
through and pull
out the very
weak kittens. They
looked
small and like they hadn’t eaten for a while. They had their
teeth but appeared younger than I think they actually were.
One looked like it had an eye infection and Phillip allowed
me to take
him to the
vet if I
pretended to just
be his
daughter. Whenever I
went out, no one seemed to wonder
who I was. Phillip
would say it was the angels protecting us.
I couldn’t help
but feel
I was invisible. The kittens were in
good health otherwise
and before we
knew it they
had
become part of our growing kitty family.
Unfortunately, when
the girls and
I were recovered
and
officers were sent
to secure the
property, Princess and
Misty were not among those rescued; neither was Neo, my
gray tabby whom I
received on my twenty-third
birthday. I
feared we would never see the new kittens again either, but
fortunately they were in one of the buildings and were able
to be caught.
I t was hard
to come to terms
with never
seeing some of the cats ever again. They were a big focus
of our lives and they were family.
I am forever grateful
to Officer Beth for keeping an eye on
all my cats and finding fosters for them for six months
until
we were able to reunite with them in January of 2010.
• Journal Entries •
In the spring
of 1998, I
needed an outlet
for all the
feelings and emotions
I was keeping
bottled up inside.
I
knew Phillip would
never approve of
me writing things
down, but I had this
compulsion to get some things down on
paper. When I was
seven or eight, my dream was to be a
writer or a veterinarian. I
love writing stories and have made
many up in my mind over the years. I have tried to instill in
my kids a love
of
reading and even encouraged them
to
write their own stories. Deciding to share my journal
entries
was a decision
I have thought
about long and
hard and
have come to the conclusion that
it is important
for me to
include my feelings and thoughts during my time in
captivity.
A lot of them show how much I
wanted my freedom, how
much I wanted
to see my
mom, and bring
to light my
conflicted feelings for Phillip and Nancy Garrido.
MAY 3, 1998
Who am I? At this very moment I don’t know. I
don’t even
know who I want to
be. I do know who I was. I
was a kid who
always wanted to
be accepted, a
part of the
crowd. I ’m
always trying to think of the right thing to say to someone.
I
wanted to be liked, so
I could fit
in. When I would start a
new school, I had
been in 4 different ones by the time I
was
11, it was
hard for me to
be the new
kid. Not knowing
anyone and playing on
the playground by myself was
not
something I looked
forward to, so would always try to find a
friend. But I
was very shy
to do that.
They usually made
friends with me. In
my last
school in G. Lake Tahoe at a
school called Meyers elementary this one girl came up to
me, I was new of course and I was
alone on the swings, I
remember
thinking to myself, Why am I
not trying to make
friends with the other kids, I hate being alone! But for some
reason I just could
not go up to a group of kids and ask to
play with them, too shy I
guess. But anyway to get back to
the story; she sits next to me on the other swing and starts
talking to me and we become friends, she was very nice. I
think she was
from Russia or
Ukraine, her name
was
Rowan. Then she
introduces me to one of her
friends, her
name was Shawnee
who become my
“best friend in
Tahoe.” She was tall for her age and I was small so I kind of
thought of her as my protector. She loved horses and would
draw them for me. We had many great days together. And
she had a dog named Rowdy who would come on walks
with us in the back hills where she lived with her grandma;
I
loved that dog
and was often
envious of her
because I
wanted my own dog so
bad. I
did have two dogs when I
lived with my grandma and grandpa, but the first one
they
told me they had to get
rid of her, her name was Tisha. I
cried for days, I
remember going outside to go play with her
and I couldn’t
find her, I ran back
inside to tell Ninny and
Poppy and that’s when they told me that they gave her away
’cause she was
tearing up the
backyard, I was
so
devastated, looking
back I
think the worst thing was
them
not telling me
about it and
me discovering her
all of a
sudden gone.
After that they
took me to Disneyland and
bought me a stuffed dog that looked just like her, I slept with
that dog every night. I
wonder what happened to the stuffed
animal.
NOVEMBER 3, 1998
I think I
want to live by
the ocean one day. Have a little
cottage overlooking the ocean. I could walk down the steps
right onto the warm
sand, hear the waves crashing on the
rocks, and watch the seagulls in the clear blue sky.
I miss her. I try so hard to see her face in my mind, but I
can’t remember. I
hate myself for not remembering. Some
memories are so blurry it’s like a dream or something.
I keep remembering
this one time when I was, oh I don’t
know, maybe about 7 or 8, anyway I was
playing with my
best friend, Jessie, and my mom was taking a shower. We
decided we wanted to
play hide-and-seek. I went
into the
bathroom and told her
*
we were going
to hide and when
she got out of the
shower I
wanted her to come find us.
I
guess the shower
water was so loud she didn’t hear me,
but I didn’t know at
the time and thought she heard me. We
hid in the
closet. When she came
out of the
shower and
saw that we weren’t in the house she must have thought the
worst, like someone had taken us because we were gone. I
didn’t understand her fear at the time. I do now. At the time
she was frantic, we were still hiding in the closet we heard
her call our names, but I
thought she was playing our game,
so we stayed hidden. Then I
heard her yell and run out the
door. When we finally came out she was outside yelling for
us and her robe had come undone; she was so hysterical
she didn’t even notice. When she saw me standing at the
door she raced to me and squeezed me tight I thought she
would never let me go. I
started to cry. I said I was sorry but I
thought she had heard me.
DECEMBER 16, 1998
I would give my soul
for a picture of her. No, No, No not
my soul because nobody can give their soul away … can
they? I don’t
know, maybe we share our souls with
loved
ones throughout our lifetimes. Is that possible? I don’t know.
Does that kind of
love exist? I know
I feel enormous love
every day for my girls. Even though they don’t know I ’m
their
mom, I still feel
this unseen connection with them. Does she
feel the same
way about me?
Does she know I
’m still
somewhere out here?
I wonder if she knows
I miss her. I
can’t bear to think of her sometimes it’s just too painful
for
me.
DECEMBER 22, 1998
I want things
to be different, but I would never change a
thing about my
life. I would never
turn back the clock and
change the way things worked out. I love my kids. I wouldn’t
say I have scars from
it, but I do have a few scratches! Like
the way I feel about
touching. I don’t know how I would react
to a man
touching me after
what I have
been through.
Family touching is different,
it doesn’t bother me as much
when he hugs me anymore.
I tell myself he is not
touching
me in a sexual way; it is more a fatherly way now. Not that
I
would know what that is like. I want to find love one day. The
kind of love
I read about,
but it sounds
so unlucky and
unrealistic to
hope for
that. All Phillip talks
about is all the
horrible people
in the world. I
don’t think the kind of
love I
dream about is real. That’s okay, though, I still have love in
my life from my girls.
MARCH 9, 2002
I want to make myself a better person. The first
thing I
want to improve is my garden. I’ve really been neglecting it
lately. I don’t
really know where to begin. I haven’t
been very
good at following through lately.
I just cannot
find the
motivation I need.
That is another
thing I would
like to
change.
JUNE 2, 2002
I miss her. I wonder what she thinks about. I wonder if she
ever thinks about me.
Sometimes I hope
that she doesn’t
because I don’t
want her to
be sad and
sometimes I
wonder if she is happier that I ’m not around anymore.
I don’t
like that thought!
I have all these
memories; some are cloudy, but they are
all there in my head. I
think at first I tried to shut
down all the
memories that are fuzzy for me now. I remember one time
he [“he” means
Phillip, I tried
to leave out names in case
Phillip ever read it] was asleep and I was sitting next to him
and I felt like
I was reliving the time I spent with my aunt and
uncle and their kids, my
cousins. The memories were so
vivid I must have sat
there for hours waiting for him to wake
up just thinking
of my old life.
I don’t know why
I thought
back to that moment,
time in my life. Maybe because that
was another time in my life I felt as lonely as I do now. I t was
hard being away from her. No one would listen when I said I
didn’t want to stay there. it’s not that my aunt didn’t want me
there. I felt I didn’t belong with them. I felt like an outsider, I
wanted to go home!
Does she miss me?
JULY 16, 2002
What is the difference between the heart and the soul? I
think there’s a big
difference. My heart is an organ in my
body. My soul is me. People in my life have helped my soul
grow and continue to grow. So many people do not listen to
their soul. I
know it’s just a word, but that’s how we have
learned to communicate; with words and through behavior.
It’s only human to use words to describe what can never be
touched. My
cats, Tucker, Lucky,
and Blackjack share
a
hold on my soul. I
love them with my soul. That sounds silly
as I write
it but it’s
what I feel
for them. They make me
happy and mad sometimes at the same time. Blackjack is
playful and faithful. Tucker is too curious for his own
good;
he is also too lovable for his own good. Lucky is … well, I
don’t quite know how to describe him. When he wants to be
scratched, but when
I go to scratch him he backs away. I
understand he must have had a hard life as a stray before
he came to live with me.
I know he likes me because he
sticks around even
though he could leave
anytime. I know
he stays ’cause I
feed him but I feel deep down it’s more
than that. I love it
when they all follow me around; it makes
me feel good. I can’t
describe the feeling for some reason,
but I do feel
important, like they actually want to be with me.
Boy, that sounds really silly. I need to do more for them.
AUGUST 22, 2002
I ’m sitting here wanting to write so many things, but
I don’t
know where to begin. I
cried a little last night. Not a lot, just
a little. I
was just feeling
terrible. Sometimes I want
to run
away from everything. I
would live in my own world. I
would
have super powers.
Like the power
to heal people
and
animals. I would
also be able
to hear the
thoughts of
animals and people, too.
I would be
able to understand
animals. I would
travel around my world on a horse the color
of fire with a mane
of snow. I
would be a
heroine in my
world. I would
travel everywhere helping people along
the
way with their problems and there would be only happiness
in my wake. Perhaps I
would meet my soul mate on one of
my journeys and we would
continue the journey
together.
Before the journey ended we would have to find some kind
of evil and conquer
it together and live happily ever after.
Boy, if only I could
live in my mind. I know I would never run
away. I love
the girls too
much to ever
leave them. We
either go together or not at all. So for now it’s not at
all.
SEPTEMBER 30, 2002
I want things
to change. Maybe first
I need to
change
myself. I will never
stop exercising. I want to be physically
fit
and mentally fit as well. Sometimes I wish I
could go back to
school to learn more.
I know I ’m
learning things here from
him. From being a part of this, but at times I feel weak like I
can’t do anything. I
don’t have any skills. I would
love to be a
writer someday. I
love to write. I have no idea
what I would
write about. I like
reading fairy tales and mythology. And I
also love romance novels. Not the gross
sexual ones but
the ones about finding the perfect person for you. I like the
thought of that one person out there searching all their
lives
for one person who makes
them feel complete
like Nora
Roberts novels and
Danielle Steel. I
like Nora Roberts
more because they feel more real. No, real is not the right
word because the stories aren’t really real. Life is not
kind
to all of us.
OCTOBER 2, 2002
I said I would not leave them; I know I
won’t because I ’m a
coward! I ’ve always been a coward. I get so nervous when
unexpected things
happen I feel helpless, scared, and my
face feels like a mask and it betrays my
feelings. My chin
quivers when I ’m nervous or upset. I hate it my hands even
shake. They seem to shake all the time; I can’t control them
either. I ’m not afraid. Not when I ’m home, it’s when I ’m
out
with Nancy
me?
DECEMBER 16, 2002
I want to
feel whole. Will I
ever feel complete?
Love,
Justice, Wisdom, he says these words are the keys to life.
Do I have these
things? I have safe love. Justice? Do
I have
Justice for what happened?
JANUARY 4, 2003
One time I had this
thought that when we have the money
and he gets going with his music or whatever that
I would
search the world
for top teachers,
psychologists, and
doctors and I would
be behind the scenes. I would organize
and we would
open a free
clinic for homeless
people to
come and interact
with animals. Animals bring
so much
comfort to me, I
think they would fill a place in the homeless
people’s hearts, too. The clinic would help these people get
back on their feet and feel better about themselves. I don’t
know exactly how
it would work,
but I saw
this ad in a
magazine maybe they could help: Lisa and Gray Silverglat
owners of M’Shoogy’s Emergency Animal Rescue: 11519
State Rte. C., Savannah ,
MO 64485
JANUARY 31, 2003
Please, please stop
these restless feelings. I
can’t stop
myself from imagining me just taking the girls and getting
in
the car, starting it, and leaving this horrible place
forever. I
know I can’t leave.
I tell myself that every day. But I want to
be away from here so bad it consumes me. Where would I
go? Who would help
me? Could I find
a job? Would he
come after us? I know
there is nowhere
to go. These
thoughts and feelings need to be squashed. Things will get
better. I have
to keep telling myself this.
I don’t even know
how to drive,
but I
can still see myself doing
it just to get
away. Please, please stop.
FEBRUARY 22, 2003
I want to be more
independent. But how? I don’t
think
could survive by myself
outside of these walls.
I wouldn’t
know how to take care of myself or the kids. The world is so
messed up. Why do people
ruin their lives? The answers
seem so simple
to me sometimes and
sometimes I see
how complicated the answers are, too. Why do
I have to
miss her [my mom] so much? She hasn’t been a part of my
life in so long.
I don’t even remember what
she looks like.
Would I even
recognize her if I saw
her? Do people have
connections like that? Would
my soul recognize
hers?
don’t know. I
hope I get
the chance to
find out one
day.
Sometimes I dream
about her. They
are fuzzy, hazy
dreams; I don’t even
remember them that well when I wake
up, I just know she was in
them. My last memory is of her
forgetting to kiss me
good-bye that morning. I was
mad
because I asked her
the night before to kiss me good-bye
before she went to work. She forgets. When I was walking
around the track
that Nancy
exercise with, I
thought about her so much I
started to cry.
MARCH 11, 2003
Instead of the
clinic that I
mentioned setting up before,
think it would be more
like housing instead. Maybe on a
ranch with horses and all sorts of other animals. We could
find jobs for
everyone that needed
one around the
ranch
and then they wouldn’t be homeless anymore. I don’t know
that much about running
a ranch like
that, but I
intend to
learn. Maybe one
day it would
be a big
community of
people. I really want
a ranch one day with horses. I want to
take in all the injured and unwanted animals. They would all
have a place
on the ranch. And
in return those
animals
would give the people on the ranch a sense of worth.
APRIL 4, 2003
Dreams. Are dreams
real or are
they made up
from
memories and
things that happen during the day?
I don’t
really know. I
hope they are
just dreams. Things
that will
never really happen like that. I never really have nightmares,
only once in a while. A
few years ago I had a dream about
my grandpa, Poppy. I
dreamed he was in his truck [he was
a truck driver] and he had a heart attack and tried to cross
the road and got ran over. That’s why I hope
dreams are
just dreams and not
real. Sometimes I want
to stay in my
dreams when she [my mom] is in them. Just hold on to them
for a little bit longer to be with her again if only it’s
for a few
minutes, but I
always wake up. Some of my
dreams are
weird, like in one I ’m trying to open my eyes but I can’t, but
that’s when I know I
’m dreaming.
MAY 3, 2003
I felt lonely all day
today. I don’t understand why I feel like
this sometimes. I
mean it’s not
like I ’m alone.
I have my
family and they are great. I
don’t really know why I feel like
this. I just want a
chance to do things myself. Lead a life that
I choose not this
life that I have no say in what happens.
No
real control.
What do
I want? Maybe to
feel a little more
grown up. I feel sometimes like I
’m still the same age as
when IT happened. I
hate this feeling. I want to grow
up. But
how do I do
that here? Who would I be
if I weren’t here?
Sometimes I think
I would be
a totally different
person
because being here has changed me. I might have always
followed in someone else’s footsteps. Always trying to get
people to like me. Always wanting nobody
to be mad at
me. Oh who am I kidding,
I ’m still that same person. Well
maybe not as much as before. I have changed. I know now I
would not follow the
leader of the pack blindly, I
would not
do drugs or
break the law.
I wish I
had better instincts,
though.
JUNE 6, 2003
escaping from? I
don’t know, I just … maybe I am escaping
myself. I ’m not happy or comfortable with myself. When I ’m
reading I can
lose myself, maybe even become
like the
beautiful women I
read about. Strong, independent women
that do things
by themselves. I
should be taking control of
my body and getting strong and healthy; I put
on so much
weight from the babies, my body has changed so much. I
just can’t seem to get motivated. I just can’t say no to food!
She [Nancy] is always bringing in so much candy and, yes, I
love it, but it does not help my weight. I just can’t say no to
her [Nancy
control of myself I
will.
AUGUST 11, 2003
My cat Blackjack
died on this
day; I wrote
this in
memorial to him.
Why do we allow ourselves
to love when we know for a
fact that, that soul will eventually leave us??? I will miss him.
There are no
words that offer
comfort, but to
not write
anything at all
feels wrong. Hearts
become attached as
easily as they become broken and our minds are left sifting
through the pieces, which I
fear take a lifetime to put back
together to achieve
any form
of acceptance. I
will always
love him.
AUGUST 21, 2003
Life moves so fast. I t has been a while since I last wrote
and I feel different
and the same. Sometimes all I can think
about is the way
I look. I
feel ugly because I ’m fat and my
face is so awful, full of pimples. I try so hard to … to what?
Why do I care what
I look like? My family loves me just the
way I am, they are
the only ones who see me, so what do I
care? But I want
to be pretty,
not gorgeous, just
pretty. I
want a healthy body and flawless skin. Am I vain? I t makes
me depressed the way I
look now. I hate mirrors, but
I also
want a mirror to see myself. T o see if all the exercising
I am
doing with Nancy
tell myself that I
am going to
have to face
the way I look
because why dwell on
it when I ’m doing all I
can to better
myself, what more can I
ask of myself. I hate feeling
down. I
want to be happy.
SEPTEMBER 2, 2003
I don’t understand why I ’m
not happy. I
am happy … I
mean I should be
happy. I have a lot more than other
people
do. I just
feel angry that
I will never
see my friend again
[Jessie] or my
real family. I
guess in a way
I never really
knew them; I really
didn’t even know her [my mom], maybe
that’s what’s eating at me …
I ’m afraid I ’ll never really get
the chance to
know her [my
mom]. What if
something
happens to her [my mom]. Life is so uncontrollable. I t
just
continues and we just ride the wave it creates. Sometimes I
want to lead my own
life. But why? I t would be in my best
interest to stay
and go with
this flow. I
read stories of
adventure and true love and, yes, I want it, everyone wants
that—look at all the
books written about those subjects!
I
want to find
it, but I don’t
think it really
truly exists or ever
happens. It’s just dreams people have and wish for to make
life more worthwhile
in this dangerous
would we live
in.
Something to keep their hearts from shattering. I don’t think
it really happens, though, I
have never seen it. I don’t think
I
will find it either. I
will live my days alone because I
will not
settle for anything less than true feelings.
OCTOBER 12, 2003
I guess I
have turned a
switch off inside
of me. In the
beginning I did
it to survive. Now it’s
just habit, I suppose,
but nonetheless it is now a part of who I am. I
feel it switch
when I watch
TV or I ’m
out somewhere. When I ’m
out in
public I want nothing
more than to be invisible. T o blend in
and not get noticed. That’s when I
feel the switch
turn on
and me sink into the background. I don’t look at people or
really see them
either. I feel
like if I
notice them, they will
notice me. I want
to have a normal life and be like normal
people, but I
can’t, the switch
always turns on. I
’m also
afraid if I see
people, I ’m afraid of what I would see.
It’s not
that I don’t care,
I care! I care more than I want to. I
just can’t
stand crying over
any of it
anymore maybe because I’ve
done enough crying
for two lifetimes.
I can’t say,
though,
that people don’t affect me; I would be lying to myself. I want
to change the world, make it a better place to live. A place
where I want the kids
to live in.
NOVEMBER 8, 2003
[Journal entry about a kitten that I named Precious that I
found outside, but she w as very sick and ended up dying.]
Oh God, I feel awful.
I hurt so badly. Why do I
feel this
way? I only knew her
for a short time. I think this is the
first
time someone I loved
has died. I
know I’ve lost
many
people in my life that I
have loved even more, but this is the
first one that
has died in my
arms. I know
people would
think I ’m crazy for crying over her because she was just an
animal. Sometimes I
feel more connected with them than I
could ever feel for a human being. Is that weird? I will never
forget her [Precious]. How could she have gotten lodged in
my heart so quickly?
NOVEMBER 9, 2003
I feel scared right
now. I ’m thinking what if I never get
to
see her again. What if she dies! I would never really get to
know her and there is nothing I can do about it. I ’m helpless.
I feel better after
I write down what I ’m feeling. I don’t really
have anyone to share them with. I don’t think they [Phillip or
don’t want to make them sad with what I ’m feeling anyways.
They don’t ask me a lot, so it’s not hard to keep all my
junk
inside. I’ve
heard the expression “time heals all wounds.”
One day I hope to
understand what that truly feels like.
DECEMBER 18, 2003
On a promo for the news tonight the press is speculating
that the man that killed Polly Klass also took and killed
me.
I t is so
hard to express
the feelings I ’m
feeling. They
showed a brief picture of me and then
the killer. That was
so painful to watch. Phillip thinks it would be a bad idea
for
me to watch the news tonight; I think he’s right, I ’m not going
to watch it. I
wonder if they will show a picture of her [my
mom]. I hope
they don’t bring it all up for her again. Why
can’t they just leave it in the past? I hope they don’t hurt her.
What must she be
thinking? Does she think
I ’m dead? I
miss her more than I
can understand. Sometimes I ’m afraid
I won’t recognize
her. Sometimes I
wonder if I
was ever
given the choice,
would I
stay here or leave? There is no
easy answer. There is
a piece of me missing. Part of me
will always be there with her [my mom], there is a part of
me
that always hurts and feels the pain of losing my family and
that part wants to become
whole but that
cannot happen
until I am united
with those I lost. I wish I
was stronger.
Affirmations:
1. Only I can make it
happen.
2. I control what
I eat.
3. Every day I become
the person I want to be.
4. I have the
strength to do everything I set my mind
to.
DECEMBER 30, 2003
There are times I
forget who I am. Tonight I have so many
memories running through my head, good and bad. Time
and separation dulls
some of the
memories, but the
essence is always there with me every day. One day when I
see her again maybe the pain will go away. I know I ’m not
the first person
to lose someone
they love and
I most
certainly won’t be the last. I ’m probably considered lucky,
if
you can call it that, because I know I will see her again one
day; not everyone can say that.
I know this
may sound silly
but not easy.
Imagine
somebody’s life going on after you leave; you only focus on
your life and its events. So now I
wonder what kind of life
has she had? I
’m thankful and I hope
she is,
too, that she
has my sister
with her. As I ’m writing
this she is
twelve.
Wow, I can’t ever
begin to guess what she’s like. I wonder
what they do together? I
hope they are happy as I am most
times. I wonder if
she asks about me and what she tells her.
I have no clue what
I would say under these circumstances. I
guess I ’m the lucky one in my knowledge that I will see them
again one day. I t
brings me a lot of comfort just
to say or
write those words.
DECEMBER 31, 2003
Here I am sitting in
my room [tent] thinking where will I be
in the future on
this same day in this same hour? What is
going to change in the New Year? The one event that sticks
out is Blackjack’s
death. I will
remember him forever.
Another thing that was
good about this
year was getting
Neo. That changed my
world for the
better. But looking
back over the year, so little has changed from the previous
year. We are stuck in a bubble. My hope is that this year
will
be full of
change. I want
to do so many things. I
feel I will
never be able or given the chance to do what I want to do. In
my mind he [Phillip] is making everything more complicated
than it needs to be, but maybe I see it that way because my
mind is simple. I
prefer my life simple and
uncomplicated
because I know his
situation is anything but simple.
FEBRUARY 3, 2004
Why does it
always have to
be something holding
us
back? I t’s like we have to fight for each step we take in
our
lives never knowing exactly where it will lead us, but
fighting
nonetheless! Why does
he [Phillip] make
a simple
sentence seem so
complicated? When will life
feel like
living for? I wish it
was now, I ’m so tired! Tired of being not
in control of my life because it is my LIFE! Why do people
think they have the right to my life?
10 things that make me Happy
1. Hearing someone laugh
2. When my cats are near me
3. Birds singing
4. When animals like me
5. Blue skies and puffy clouds
6. The rain
7. Having something fun to do
8. The ocean
9. When someone says something kind to me
10. Knowing someone loves me
FEBRUARY 7, 2004
I ’m sitting and thinking it’s so hard to change habits. I
’m
trying to write out a
plan for my future, but
it’s hard. I feel
I
have no future.
I thought it would
be easier. It’s
the New
Year and by
the end of
it I plan
on making changes
in
myself. It’s a slow process (changing) but everything counts
on me making these changes, I feel like the world depends
on it. I know that
sounds really egotistical but I feel it.
I remember having a
dream a few years ago about my
grandpa. In the dream I
saw my grandpa’s truck [he was a
truck driver] at what looked like a shopping center parking
lot and he was
lying in his
truck. I think
he was dead. I t
looked like he had been beaten.
[I later found out w
hen I w as reunited with my mom, that
my grandpa w as hit by a car and killed.]
MARCH 13, 2004
I ’m sorry. Sorry for everything I can’t be. Sorry I can’t be
what he wants me to be. I
don’t even know exactly what that
is. I ’m just sorry. Sometimes I
feel so alone, I know
that’s
crazy because I ’m
not alone. I
have my cats and
people
who love me, too. I
t’s just
I don’t know what I
want. Some
days I can
clearly see everything
and things seem
easy,
and the next day seems blurry and I can’t see what I want.
Nights are the worst because I have too much time to think.
Sometimes I think I
’m being too dramatic and complain too
much. What do I
have to complain
about? I have
food, I
have shelter from the rain, well, unless my tent is leaking.
I
don’t want to hurt
him [Phillip]; sometimes
I think my very
presence hurts him. So how can I ever tell him how I want to
be FREE to come and go as I
please? FREE to say, I have
a family. FREE.
MAY 23, 2004
I usually don’t write
about my day-to-day life,
but today
was just so horrible I
had to get it down on paper. The day
started out bad. Phillip was
in a really bad mood and you
could tell early
on in
the day that all he was
going to get
done was sleep on the couch all day. I hate it when he is so
lazy. While I work
all day, he gets to do anything he wants. I
am so tired of that, but
I can’t do anything about it. Nancy
had already asked him the day before if she could take me
thrift store shopping
and he said
yes. Sometimes I
like
going out with Nancy
so cold, and it makes
me feel
like I have done something
wrong. She asks me where I
want to go, but then when I tell
her, it’s like I’ve made the wrong decision, so I’ve learned
to
try to feel her out ahead of time so I know the right answer.
Today we headed to the Goodwill in Pittsburg
Salvation Army in Antioch
would like to buy
to see if
she likes them,
too. When we
came to the shoes, I
sat my purse down on the chair while I
tried on a pair of shoes Nancy
them on and discovered they were too big, I put them back
on the shelf and followed her to another aisle. A minute or
two later I realized
I forgot my purse and told Nancy
go back to the shoe aisle. When we went back and looked
around, my purse
was nowhere to
be found. I t
had been
stolen. I was in
disbelief for a minute. Stunned. I
felt like a
part of me had been stolen. I know it’s irrational, but that’s
how I felt.
I felt stupid
and apologized to Nancy
carelessness. She had given me the money for the PG&E
bill and I put it in
my purse for safekeeping and now it was
gone. I felt shaky
and ready to cry. I walked over to the
little
kids’ section while Nancy
in one of
the little chairs
for the kids
to use while
their
mothers shopped and cried. I
don’t know why I was crying. I
knew I could easily
work off the stolen money. I t was more
than that. I
felt like I never wanted
to leave “home” again. I
couldn’t believe someone would steal my belongings. I feel
like it is not safe
to leave this place.
I feel it is
not safe to
leave the safety of Phillip’s backyard. At least I know what
to expect here.
JUNE 27, 2004
Lonely, that’s how I
feel. Lonely and incomplete. I
want to
run but have no idea where to run to. I want to yell, but I don’t
want to hurt
anybody. I want
to say something, but I don’t
know what to
say. Love is
the easy part;
it’s the living
without the love you need that is hard.
Is life worth living simply because you live, or
is it worth
more if you make life happen? What if you have no choice
in the matter? Maybe you have to make life happen whether
it is good
or bad; you make
the choices in
your life and
have to live with
the consequences of your choices. Did
I
have a choice “that day”? Could I have chosen to stay home
from school? I would
have been punished, but my life would
not have changed so completely as it did. Would I choose
to be here even with everything’s that happened?
JULY 5, 2004
I t feels like I ’m sinking. I ’m afraid I want control of my life.
This is supposed
to be my life to do with what I
like, but
once again he [Phillip] has taken it away. How many times
is he allowed to take it away from me? I ’m afraid he
doesn’t
see how the thing he says makes me a prisoner. Does he
want to see it?
I’ve been thinking of her a lot lately. I know it would take
just a couple of clicks,
I could see her. I
need to see her.
So, what’s stopping me?
I think I ’m afraid
to take the
first
step because I know
I could not go any farther with it. And
that would hurt me. I ’m such a coward! I hate being afraid.
Why don’t I have
control of my life! I feel now I can’t even be
sure my thoughts are my own. I can’t even really talk to him
[Phillip] about anything
I feel because he will just
think the
angels are controlling me.
I don’t want to burden him with
what I ’m feeling. Why should I even care if I hurt him, he has
hurt me! I just can’t
do it back. I can’t be like them.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2004
I ’m just surging with anger right now. I can’t help it. I think
what he did is wrong. Why couldn’t he just once give in and
not be so controlling! I t helps to write these feelings
down. I
can’t talk to him. He overpowers me with his words in no
time. Then there’s the fact that I can’t put what I ’m trying to
say in the right way. What I
want to say never comes out the
way I envision it in
my head. Why is that? I wonder if I could
have prevented the
fight by going
out there myself, then
again maybe he would have
told me the same things.
I f I
told him any of my
feelings he would
immediately tell me
“the angels are controlling you.” I need
him to give me the
freedom to talk
to him, but
right now that’s
not going to
happen. So I will
just let these feelings flow through me and
out this pencil.
It’s weird, but
I already feel
the tension
leaving me and soon
I will only be left with
the memory of
this night to think about and analyze, rethink, and come to
a
conclusion about what to do. Maybe the
tension is leaving
me because I ’m
no longer around him; I ’m out here
in my
own space. I love my
tent! It’s my own space to do with as I
wish. As soon as I
see him again, all I want to do
is tell him
how wrong he
was to do
that. But he
will never take
responsibility for what he does. It’s always someone else’s
fault, the angels now
mostly. I f I
confronted him, he would
just think I ’m
being controlled to
say these things
by the
angels and that would get me nowhere. Sometimes I wish I
could live very
far away from
him [Phillip]; sometimes
I
dream about it.
OCTOBER 3, 2004
Sometimes I think the
memories from what he did to me
would fade more
quickly if I
didn’t have to see him every
day 24/7. It’s hard. And I
hate the memories from that time. I
want them to
go away forever.
I miss her.
I would give
anything if she
could just hold me
one more time. Would
she let me go again? It’s nights like this I wish for someone
to hold me safe. Neo
is here and he brings me comfort,
I
don’t know what I
would do if I didn’t have him
with me.
10 things I w ant to do
1. Lose weight
2. Do yoga in the morning
3. Write more
4. Learn something new
5. See all the people I
care about
6. Learn 2 different languages
7. Learn to paraglide
8. Travel around the world
9. Learn to snorkel
10. See my mom
MARCH 28, 2006
My Dreams for the Future
1. See Mom
2. See Pyramids
3. Ride in a hot-air balloon
4. Learn to drive
5. Swim with dolphins
6. Touch a whale
7. Take a train ride
8. Learn to sail an old-fashioned sailing ship
9. Write a best seller
10. Horseback ride on the beach every day
This is one
of the Bible
studies Phillip made
us sit
through:
John 1:1
Wisdom was created before everything.
God represents a way of living one’s life. God holds and
stands by wisdom, love, and justice. They are one.
[The]woman is in
all of us.
She represents our
subconscious. She is inside of us always making good and
bad decisions. Man
represents male and
female. The
garden or field
in the Bible
is the inner
workings of our
minds. God developed
man [humans, male
and female]
through stages in the evolution of our minds. We as humans
have not yet awakened
from the deep sleep and we have
not become one with our inner woman [subconscious]. We
have not shed
our clothes [bad
behavior] and become
naked. Living as God [a way of life] our creator intended.
The serpent in
the Garden of
Eden [our minds]
represents our subconscious and our conscious talking
to
each other. Like
the battle sometimes
we have within
ourselves. Telling us to do something even when you know
it’s wrong or has the potential to be wrong or dangerous if
you have never had the experience of doing it, how can you
ever win the battle? So the woman [Eve in the garden, our
subconscious]
gave the apple
[a new experience]
to her
husband [our
subconscious, Adam]. Our creator knew
the
only way to develop man so he could one day become like
God was to let man learn through experience.
The breath of
life our creator
breathed into all was
the
freedom to make choices,
good and bad.
That’s why he
gave us a helper [our subconscious, our inner woman] to be
with us through our journey of learning.
From the very beginning we have struggled with the way
o f God and our
minds. The story
of Cain and
Abel
represents the turmoil with us. Cain is the negative input
we
encounter every day and the consequences of letting those
thoughts take over. Abel is what we know is right but don’t
always listen to. And when we let Cain
[the negative] win,
we kill Abel
[our sense of
what’s right]. But
as with all
aspects of our life, we have the ability to change and grow
and learn from our mistakes. Our inner woman can be good
or bad depending on the choices we make in life.
MAY 16, 2006
Favorite Song/Artists
Kelly Clarkson: Behind
These Hazel Eyes,
Miss
Independent, Walk Away
3 Doors Down: Superman Kryptonite, Close to Home
KT Tunstal: Black Horse & the Cherry Tree
Maroon 5
Matchbox 20
Dido: White Flag
Nickleback
Green Day: Boulevard of Broken Dreams
One Republic
5 for Fighting
Jason Mraz: The Remedy
SEPTEMBER 18, 2006
Had a breakdown
today. They [the angels] used
him to
hurt me. Unacceptable!
He cut me
deep inside, deep
damage done will take time to repair. At first all the anger
was directed at both of
them [Phillip and Nancy],
but time
makes things clear
and blame is in
the right place now. I
know I will get over
it. Love will prevail. I will win!
SEPTEMBER 20, 2006
Found out that he took money from us again. He says the
angels made him do it.
He never
takes responsibility for
anything. Even though last time he said it wouldn’t happen
again. He still did it. They [the angels] want me to hate
him
[Phillip] for doing this to us again. I know I
shouldn’t blame
him, but it’s hard not to. He wants me to believe the angels
made him do it and it’s not his fault. I know in his mind he
took the money for a good reason, not intentionally
to hurt
us but still. I
wanted to scream and yell at him like he did to
me. I didn’t! I can’t count on him for anything. It’s hard to
not
be angry with him. I
need to work on that. He also yelled at
A and made her cry, which he also blamed on the angels.
SEPTEMBER 21, 2006
All Phillip and Nancy do is sleep all day. They want me to
think it’s the angels doing it, but when will they start
trying to
help themselves? I
work all day and they sleep. I t ridiculous!
They were going to
tell the psychiatrist
about the angels
today and how
Phillip hears voices,
but Phillip says
the
angels made both
him and Nancy
so sleepy that
they
couldn’t drive and
tell the doctor. They still
went today and
all seemed to go okay. Maybe he will get the help he needs
now from the psychiatrist.
SEPTEMBER 27, 2006
Felt sad all day today. I
feel like everything is hopeless.
NOVEMBER 5, 2006
The angels gave Nancy
hard to hear
her talking like
that. Gives me
feelings of
hopelessness.
FEBRUARY 21, 2007
I have feelings of
hopelessness. I feel like nobody cares.
This year has
been extremely hard. First,
it feels like we
aren’t getting anywhere. One of our clients that witnessed
Phillip doing his “Can you hear me?” backed out today and
took back her
signature. Phillip says
it’s because the
angels worked with her
husband and that made
her take
back her witness.
I t makes me
feel like everyone
who
believes is going to abandon us. Recently Phillip told us he
has been untruthful about the money we make again and he
was using it to buy stuff. He wouldn’t tell me what. It
makes
me feel like I can’t
trust him. He says that’s what the angels
want. To turn us against each other. It’s so confusing.
I’ve had a
few bad dreams
lately, too … nothing
like
before, though. One was about a serial killer coming and
killing us all and nobody would ever know.
Phillip says the angels give him terrible dreams, too, he
says they make him
feel dirty. Nancy
terrible time, too. Lots of bad dreams that Phillip says the
angels torture her with.
Sometimes I don’t
want to live on a planet that lets such
horrible things happen. I
will not give up, though.
MARCH 16, 2007
I’ve been feeling
very pressured lately.
I t feels like
everything is riding
on me doing
something. Like when
“Can you hear me?” was riding on me hearing it and I could
never hear it. Now it’s either send the emails to people who
hear voices and people of the church or nothing is going to
happen. Why does he put so much pressure on me? Why
can’t he make his project happen? I have
enough work to
do just to keep us surviving.
Affirmation to
counteract the negative feelings
I have
inside.
1. I am
a creative, positive,
successful, and happy
person.
2. I can achieve
anything I set my mind on.
3. We will
succeed in everything
we are trying
to
accomplish.
4. I am a strong and
capable person.
5. We will succeed.
6. I will have a
strong and healthy body and mind.
7. Anything and everything is possible with love.
8. Our goals are attainable.
9. It’s easy for me to get up every day and exercise.
10. It’s easy for me to eat healthy.
11. I make it a habit
to be happy.
12. I will be more
assertive.
13. Today is a glorious day.
14. Every day I work
toward my goals.
15. I make every day
a positive day.
Favorite Quotes: May 1, 2007
The world turns
and the world changes, but one
thing does not change. How ever you disguise it, this
thing does not
change: the perpetual
struggle of
Good and Evil.
—T. S. Eliot
What w ill happen w
ill happen. There is
time for
miracles until there is no more time, but time has no
end.
—Dean Koontz
Hope, love, and faith are all in the waiting.
—Dean Koontz
I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope; for
hope would be hope for the wrong thing.
—T. S. Eliot
Places I w ill go one day
1. Egypt
2. Victoria Falls in Africa
3. Alaska
4. Norway
5. Italy
6. Greece
7. Ireland
8. Galapagos Islands
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