It was the Fourth of July yesterday and Phillip wanted us
to go up on the roof
of the barn and watch the
fireworks. I
was scared to
climb the ladder and even more scared to
be up on that old falling-down barn with the girls. But
Phillip
said it was really sturdy and safe and if it could support
him,
it could support us. So we all climbed the
ladder, and he
carried the girls up one at a time. A is four and G is
already
one and walking everywhere she can. She is always on the
go. She is saying words like Lissa, Dada, and Mum.
I t is a warm night outside. The stars are shining and the
moon is a
crescent in the sky above me. I sit
on the
roof
and think of my mom and our competition about the moon. I
think of her and
sing to myself the
song we used to sing
together, “I see
the moon and the moon
sees me, God
bless the moon, and God bless me.” Miss her so much.
G is getting restless. Nancy
her to watch
the fireworks. I
think the loud
noises are
scaring her, and I
long to hold her close but I
don’t want it to
look like I ’m
taking over from Nancy
fighting to get
free from Nancy’s
hold on her.
She is
reaching back toward me to hold her. I tell Nancy
hold her if she wants me to, but she thinks the fireworks
are
just scaring her. She
tells Phillip that she thinks we should
go inside.
Phillip is getting
restless, too, so we
all climb
back down and go inside, where Nancy
to breast-feed.
Sometimes I feel
like all I
do is feed
her.
She loves to
eat, but sometimes
I think it
is more of a
comfort thing with her. She’s always so restless and
fidgety.
She loves her
pacifier. We call it her
Bucky. I feel
better
now that she is in my arms. On the roof I felt like my pulse
was going to jump out of my skin. I wanted to just grab her
and hold her to me. I
would not have known what to say to
hard to hold on to what little we have built.
Phillip and Nancy are taking us to the beach today. I am
a little scared
because I haven’t
been out in
public for a
long time. What if
I do something wrong? Phillip
says we
will just be an ordinary family at the beach. There’s
nothing
to worry about.
When we arrive at
the beach, it
gives me an amazing
feeling of
freedom. I know
I am not free,
though. We park
along a rocky cliff and get out to have a look at the ocean.
When A gets out she is immediately terrified of the cliff
and
falls to her
knees in
fear. I want
to go comfort her and tell
her it’s okay, that there is nothing to be afraid of, but
Phillip
is there with her instead and tells her he will carry her
down.
We spend many hours on the beach. I love playing in the
water with the girls.
Nancy
sits on the
blanket in the sand and
reads his Bible. After
lunch we all head for
a walk down the beach. My legs are
burning even though I
have been exercising with Nancy
girls are having a fun day and I ’m glad they get to have
this
experience. Phillip’s back starts to hurt him,
so we make
our way back to the car and go home to the backyard.
A few weeks later, Nancy
our nails done. She says she is going to work on Phillip to
convince him
that this would be good for our
relationship.
On the inside I
really don’t want to go anywhere. I ’m afraid,
too. Phillip comes to me and gives me one hundred dollars
and says Nancy
it will be fun.
I get in
the car with Nancy
salon. I am so nervous. What if the
person doing my nails
sees my hand shaking? When we arrive, I put on my “I
can
do this” face and
follow Nancy
lady that we want a
manicure. I sit down
in the chair and
hand my hand over
to the lady. Thankfully, it is
not visibly
shaking, but I am on
the inside. I just want to go back to
the
girls. The lady
asks me questions
and I answer
automatically. I am
not really here.
I am not
an actual
person. I am nobody.
Nobody sees me.
My nails are done and we are back in the car. We stop
for lunch at Jack in the Box and eat in the car. Nancy
enjoyed getting her nails done. She got a French manicure
and says the lady chipped one of her nails. I
tell her I can
hardly see it and that her nails look beautiful.
We arrive home. Phillip is sitting in his chair reading the
Bible and the
kids are watching The Lion King. Nothing
has changed, yet everything has. I went out today and came
back and nobody noticed. Nobody cared to ask who I was.
Our next outing is to Walmart. I stick close to Nancy
feel self-conscious being here. I look no one in the eye. My
hands are shaking … will anyone notice?
Reflection
I wasn’t allowed to
leave his “secret backyard” until my
youngest daughter was two and we went to the Brentwood
Cornfest. By then Phillip had Nancy
and dyed it
brown. I
had put on about thirty extra
pounds
from being pregnant and Phillip didn’t think
there was any
way anyone was going to recognize me. I remember being
really nervous and when I
arrived I stuck real close to
Phillip
and kept my eyes averted from everyone. Nancy
big baggy black shirt and I
wore black jeans. By then I had
resigned myself
to my fate.
The biggest memory
I have
from that day
was, I
had no voice and I didn’t shout
to the
world “Hey, it’s me, Jaycee!” even though I longed to. I
was
Allissa, the girl who gave birth to two girls that needed to
be
protected from the evilness of the world, and that was my
main goal. I don’t remember
too much from that day;
I do
remember Phillip encouraging
me to go
on one of the
rides. I didn’t want
to go by myself, but I ended up on
the
swing ride that
takes you round
and round. I
remember
thinking as the ride
made circles around itself that
I wish I
was free like
the people I see here. Free to walk around
and be me. But I wasn’t. The next time we went out was
Halloween that same
year 1999, we
went to the
Smith
Farm and we all dressed up that year, me and Nancy were
hippies, A was Belle
from Beauty and the Beast, and my
youngest
daughter was Blue
from Blue’s Clues. Phillip
wore his old
’70s-style rock ’n’
roll outfit that he had kept
from his days when he was in a band. He brought his guitar
and serenaded anyone
that would listen.
I t was quite
embarrassing,
but everyone was
friendly and polite.
The
kids got to
pick pumpkins and
it was fun. One
thing
remained the same: I
knew we had to return to the “secret
backyard,” where there was no house to come home to, just
a building and by that time a few tents.
One outing melted
into the next.
I learned to
not look
people in the eye. I
felt if I did, they would ask me
questions
I couldn’t possibly
answer. I stuck
close to Nancy
feel my hands
shaking when I
reached out to
touch
something I wanted.
In time going out became easier
and
we even brought
the girls shopping
with us. But
I could
never shake the feeling
that one day someone would say,
“Hey, aren’t you that
missing girl?” but nobody ever did. I
was nobody. Nobody saw me.
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