13.Driving to a Trailer

Driving to a Trailer

I have been moved back “next door.” Phillip has painted

this room yellow and has put up a wall  to make  it  into  two

rooms. He has given me the one with no windows.

One evening before the baby was born, Phillip came next

door while I  was watching TV. He said that something was

going  on. We  need  to  leave  the  house.  I   haven’t  left  this

place  since  the  day  he  took me  nearly  two  years  ago.  I

asked what was going on, but he ignored me and said that

he would make  sure  the  baby  and  I  were  safe  and  that  I

needed  to  listen  to  him.  He  said  that  someone  told  him

there was  going  to  be  a  raid  on  the  house  and  it wasn’t

safe here right now. He said he was going to put a blanket

over me and lead me to the van. I  was tired and didn’t want

to go. What choice did I  have? He controlled everything. He

said Nancy was waiting in the van for us and had everything

ready. I  asked if I  can take anything with me, and he said no

and if everything goes  right  he will  be  bringing me  home

soon. I  get up and he puts the blanket over me. I  am really

getting scared. What  if something happens  to him? What

would I  do? I  feel like I  can’t catch my breath. I  must breathe

in and out slowly and tell myself everything will be fine. He

leads me out to the van, and I  climb in the back and before I

can ask where he wants me to sit, he says for me to crawl

under the backseat and he was going to put some boxes in

front  of  the  seat. Oh my God,  that’s  ridiculous,  I   think  to

myself!  Can’t  I   just  sit  over  in  the  corner?  He  says  that

would  be  dangerous.  Dangerous  to  whom?  But  I   don’t

argue; I  just crawl under the seat. I t’s kind of hard because

my belly is dragging on the floor making it very difficult. I ’m

afraid I  might hurt the baby. I  wiggle around and try to find a

comfortable position. I  finally settle on half on my side and

forward  a  little  ’cause  the  seat  is  kind  of  low.  Not much

wiggle room. I  am so uncomfortable! I  want to be in my own

bed!  I   hear  the  van  start  and  back  out  of  the  driveway.  I

wonder where we  are  heading.  Phillip  thinks  people  can

hear him when he talks, so he told me earlier that whenever

he  addressed me  it  would  sound  like  he  was  talking  to

Nancy. He doesn’t want anyone to think there was another

person in the van.

The  driving  seems  endless.  How  long  have  we  been

driving? What  time  is  it? When we  left  it was  just getting

dark, but now it’s completely dark especially under the seat.

I   must  have  fallen  asleep,  for  when  I   wake  the  van  has

stopped. He helps me to get out. He has to pull me out a bit

because I  am so stiff from being in the same position for so

long. What a relief it is to be out from under the seat. I t’s still

dark out. We are standing in front of a house trailer. I  keep

my  head  down  as  we  go  in.  The  steps  are really  steep.

There is a couch in the living room he says I  can sit there. I

sit and he and Nancy check out  the  rest of  the place. He

comes back and asks  if  I  need anything.  I  ask where we

are. And  he  says  this  trailer  used  to  belong  to  a  friend

named Virginia. She  died  and  left  it  to  him.  I   say  I   really

need  to  use  the  bathroom.  My  bladder  can’t  hold  much

since  I’ve  been  pregnant.  I   follow  him  to  an  actual

bathroom! What joy! I  haven’t used an actually flushing toilet

in so long! And a sink with running water to wash my hands!

I  come out and he says I  should go back to the couch. I  want

to  explore! Explore  an  actual  house—it’s  been  so  long!  I

can see a kitchen and there are bedrooms in the back. But

I  go sit on the couch. I  ask for some water and Nancy gets it

for me. Phillip says that we are going to stay the night here

because  the house  isn’t safe.  I  wonder what’s going on  in

the house. Are  there people  in  the back going  through my

stuff? I  wonder what’s going on. Phillip locks the front door

and says I  can sleep on the couch and he and Nancy will be

in the back bedroom. I t takes a while to fall asleep with all

the  questions  in my  head,  but  I  must  eventually  because

when I  wake it is morning and Phillip and Nancy are talking

in  the kitchen. They must have been waiting  for me  to get

up. When I  do, they say they are going to leave me here for

a  few hours so  that  they can check out  the house and get

some  food  for  me.  He  says  I   can  get  up  to  go  to  the

bathroom, but it would be much better for me to just stay on

the couch and sleep. He  told me  that everything would be

okay and for me not to be scared because he would come

back.  I  was  so  scared he wouldn’t  return  for me and  just

leave me  here  forever  by myself. What would I   do all by myself and pregnant? I  start to cry. I  tell him I  don’t want to

stay alone,  that  I  am scared something would happen. He

continued  to say he had  to go make sure  the house was

okay  and  he  and  Nancy  would  be  back  with  something

good  to eat. So he and Nancy  left and  I  heard  the click of

the  lock.  I   tried  to  fall asleep but sleep would not come.  I

finally  got  up  to  go  to  the  bathroom.  I   thought  to myself,

Since I ’m up I  might as well check out the rest of the place. I

know he  told me not  to, but what harm could a  little peek

make? I  tiptoe down the hall and think to myself, What if he

finds  out? He  knows  so many  things. What  if  he  knows  I

looked around? Curiosity has gotten the better of me. The

first room all the way down the hall is a pretty good size, but

all that it contains is a mattress on the floor. There’s another

room across from the bathroom. I t looks like a screened-in

porch. I t would be so nice to have this as a room for me and

the baby one day. Phillip says he  is going  to  try  to  find a

way  to  get  this  into  the  backyard  so  we  can  use  it. We

would have a bathroom and a  full  kitchen! Oh my God,  it

would be so wonderful. I  hope he can find a way to do it. I

walk back into the living room. All the furniture in here looks

so old and dusty. The kitchen is pretty nice, though. I  open

the refrigerator and dream about actually being able to use

this every day. Always  to have  food available, what a  joy

that  would  be!  I   finally  settle  back  on  the  couch  and  fall

asleep. When I  wake it is to the sound of the door opening. I

get scared for a minute. What if it’s not them? But it is and I

am so happy  to see  them. They have brought chili beans.

Nancy heats them up on the stove and fixes me a bowl with

a flour tortilla to go with it. Phillip says that it is now safe to

go back home but not until it gets dark outside. They go in

the back to take a nap and I  stay on the couch and wait. I ’m

in my mind,  thinking  about  what my  life  used  to  be  like.

Reliving memories is one of the ways I  keep my past alive

inside. I  don’t want to forget my family back home. I  fear that

one day I  won’t remember what my mom looks like. Already

her image is fading from my mind. Soon night comes and

Phil  is ready  to go but seems on edge again. He says he

thinks  it best  if we drive around some more before we go

home.  I   just  want  to  go  home. What’s  going  on  that  he

thinks we can’t? Again he doesn’t answer. I  get back in the

van and under  the seat. After  the  first  time  I  know what  to

expect down here, but that doesn’t make it any easier. After

a while of driving I  start to feel really sick. I  call out to them

and  tell  them  I   feel  like  I ’m going  to  throw up. Phillip pulls

over, and Nancy comes to the back with a plastic bag. They

tell me  to hold on awhile  longer.  I   try but  the movement of

the car brings my  lunch of beans  right up. The bag  is  too

small to contain all the beans. I ’m at a very bad angle to be

throwing  up  and  I   don’t  have  much  room  to  maneuver.

Throwing up does make me  feel better, but now  I  have  to

lay in this awful disgusting mess. Finally Phillip announces

that we are home. Nancy comes to the back and takes the

bag  and  cleans  up  the  rest  of  the  puke  from  the  carpet.

Then I  come out with a sheepish grin on my face and say,

“I ’m really sorry.” I  am thinking, Hey, it’s not my fault. I  don’t

see why we were driving  in  the  first place. But of course  I

say nothing of the sort, I  wouldn’t talk back to him like that. I

am  glad we  are  home.  I   get  cleaned  up  and  change my

clothes  and  go  to  bed  in my  own  bed.  Phillip  says  that

whatever was going on has passed and there’s nothing to

worry about for now.

Reflection

I  still don’t know what to make of that day. I  was just glad

when it was over. I’ve always thought I  am a go-with-the-flow

kind of person. My mom says  that my nickname was  “the

Bull” when I  was little, but I  don’t remember that. She says I

was  real  stubborn  when  it  came  to  something  I   really

wanted; that I  would dig my heels in and be very persistent

about  whatever  it  was.  I   never  thought  of  myself  as

stubborn, but looking back I  can see some instances where

that would fit me. In the beginning I  asked a lot of questions

about everything. I  think I  was always an inquisitive person. I

learned when to back off with the questioning early on with

Phillip.  Sometimes  not  asking  questions  made  things

easier. Phillip’s verbal abuse was very effective. Although I

would have  liked  some direct answers  to my questions,  I

learned to not question too much because the answer I  got

would  be  lengthy  and  in  the  end  make  me  forget  the

question  in  the  first  place.  The  fact  is,  I   do  have  many

questions such as: Whose trailer were we using that night?

What did he think he was hearing? What really happened to

the person that lived there? I  might never know the answers

to these questions.