19.Birth of Second Baby

On  November  12,  1997,  I   awake  at  eleven  p.m.  in

terrible  pain.  The  pain  has  come  out  of  nowhere.  I   don’t

remember feeling bad the previous day. A is asleep beside

me and  I  know  I  must wake her up and bring her with me

next  door  to  the  studio,  where  Phillip  and  Nancy  are

sleeping. At least I  hope they are sleeping. I  know the night

before  they were on a  “run,” but  I  hope  they are done  for

now because I  think the baby is coming.

I  shake A up and tell her that the baby is coming and we

need  to go  to Daddy.  I  hope  that Phillip doesn’t get mad

that I  am coming to wake him up, but as the pain gets more

unbearable  I  have no choice.  I  start  the walk over with A’s

hand  in mine. When we walk  the  few  feet over  to  the next

building,  I  must  let  go  of A’s  hand  for  a  second  and  use

both hands to yank the heavy studio door open. Sometimes

during  the  day when  I   am  alone I   stand  and  stare  at  this

door that once was my prison. I  am in another kind of prison

now.  Free  to  roam  the  backyard  but  still  prisoner

nonetheless. I  feel I  am bound to these people—my captors

—by invisible bonds instead of constant handcuffs. No one

seems to care that I  am there.

As I  finally get the door open and once again gather A’s

hand,  I   help  her  up  the  steps  and  into  the  warm  room

beyond.  I t  is dark and  I   fear  falling,  so  I   flick on  the  light.

Phillip has once again erected the wall that used to be my

first prison and is now the room they use to sleep in. He has

made the top shelf that once held one of his keyboards into

a bed and  the bottom part  is another bed. He has sold or

pawned most of his music equipment away for drug money

and diapers. He is sleeping in the top bunk as I  shake him

awake with a smile on my face and hope in my heart that I

will  not  get  in  trouble,  but  also  not  really  caring  at  the

moment. He comes awake with a start; he must have been

sleeping heavy. He asks what  the matter  is and  I   tell him  I

think the baby is coming. He wakes Nancy and they fly into

action.  Nancy  going  to  the  house  to  get  towels  and  hot

water, and he’s getting the first aid kit and whatever else he

needed  for  the delivery. He  tells me not  to worry; he knew

what to do. The contractions were coming closer and closer

now and I  really just wanted to lie down. Nancy came back

and is making me a place for me to lie. I  lie down and feel

much better. The  lights are so bright after  just waking up,

but I  know Phillip needs to be able to see. He feeds me ice

chips  and  puts  cool  compresses  on  my  head.  I   take

codeine for the pain. I  didn’t really want to take anything that

would hurt the baby, but Phillip assured me that there were

no  lasting effects  to  the baby  from codeine.  I  had  taken  it

with A and she was fine. Nancy turned the TV on for her and

entertained  her  so  she  wouldn’t  worry  about me.  I   could

hear her in the other room asking all sorts of questions. All I

could think of was me, though, and how much it hurt.

I t wasn’t long before I  was pushing the baby out. With A it

felt like I  was in labor forever. This one seemed to be going

by so  fast.  In a matter of hours  I  gave birth  to my second

daughter  at  2:15  a.m.  November  13,  1997.  Phillip  later

named her S. Nancy and Phillip wanted me to pick a name

out of the Bible for her middle name. Nancy suggests Ruth

or G, and  I   like G better. Phillip  is  reading  the Bible a  lot

more now. I ’m not sure what he is looking for. I t gives him a

focus and I  am thankful for that. Phillip says that he has torn

up the Bible two times now. One time he threw the pages in

his bucket, which he uses to go number two in outside. He

said he was  fed up with God at one point and didn’t  think

he  would  ever  pick  up  the  Bible  again. Well,  something

must  have  changed  because  he  has  a  new  Bible  now

called NIV. I  see him reading and talking to Nancy about it

every  time  I  see  them. He  is mentioning Bible studies  for

me  and  Nancy.  Phillip  says  that  with  God’s  help  he  is

coming  to understand  the  voices  that  he  hears,  and God

has cured him of his sexual problem. I  will believe that when

I  see it.

Reflection

The night before I  am to testify in front of a grand jury I

had this dream …

I  was in this interview room with Phillip and Nancy. Phillip

was behind this big desk to my right and Nancy was sitting

in a smaller desk straight  in  from of me.  I  was sitting  in a

swivel chair in the center of the room. Phillip was asking me

all these question that I  can’t remember and I  was smirking

at him and  telling him  I  wasn’t going  to answer any of his

questions because  I  didn’t have  to. He  then said  it  looked

like I  needed a hug and when he started to get up, I  yelled

for  the  officer who was  supposed  to  be  right  outside  the

door. When  the  officer  doesn’t  come,  I   immediately  rise

and say you can’t come near me and I  make my way to the

door.  I   go  down  the  hall  to  find  the  officer  that  was

supposed  to  be  guarding  me  in  the  room.  He  is  with

another officer and he  is  in his underwear saying he was

sorry but he needed to get dressed. Then I  woke up.

T o me this is a dream about how it is hard for me to trust

in  law  enforcement.  They  weren’t  there  when  I   needed

them,  therefore,  in  the  dream  they  are  not  there  for me.

Knowing  this and  thinking  this are  two different  things  for

me. I  know when I  go into the grand jury room I  will be well

protected  and  cared  for.  One  the  other  hand,  the

government failed me for eighteen years. And that will take

time to heal from.