9.Nancy

I’m so hungry  that’s all  I  can  think of. There  is nothing

good  on  television.  It’s  so  nice  having  a  TV  to  watch

whenever I  want to; I  really shouldn’t complain. After the last

“run,” he  let me stay  “next door.”  It’s a  lot bigger  than  the

studio room I  was in before. There is lots of stuff to explore

in here. Phillip has started to call me Snoopy. When I  asked

him why he said because  I  ask a  lot of questions and he

knows  I’ve  been  snooping  around  his  desk  in  here.  He

laughs and doesn’t seem to mind. I  wonder how he knew I

had gone through his desk? I t frightens me how he seems

to know everything. This  room has windows,  too, but  they

have  iron  bars  on  them  just  like  the  door. He  keeps  the

towels on them. At first when he let me stay in this room he

would  handcuff  me  to  the  pullout  bed.  I t  was  really

uncomfortable, but at least I  got to watch the color TV. Now

it’s  been  a  few  months  and he  doesn’t  handcuff  me

anymore.  I   can  get  up  and walk  around.  I   looked  out  the

windows but can’t really see much out of them. I  can see the

studio,  as Phillip  calls  it,  from  the  outside.  I t  looks  like  a

barn to me. It’s brown wood with many panels. Lots of wires

going  to and  from  it.  I   like  this room better. There  is more

room and it doesn’t feel as small as the other room.

Phillip is at the door. When he comes in, he says he has

someone that wants to meet me. Behind him stands a short

woman with long dark hair. Phillip introduces her as Nancy,

his wife. Phillip wants us  to be good  friends. He  tells me

Nancy will bring me dinner  for now. They don’t  stay  long.

Phillip comes in a little while later and tells me that Nancy is

just a  little  jealous of me but  that she will come around  to

liking  me  in  time  if  I   am  good  and  make  an  effort  to

encourage her to like me. I  can’t believe he has a wife and

that she helped him take me. I  am young and still believed

in love and that in a marriage you are faithful to each other.

This  is  another  new  lesson.  I   figure  she must  be  jealous

because he is using me for sex instead of her. While Phillip

was talking to me about Nancy, he says she doesn’t really

like sex and that I  am helping her out, too. I  really hate it and

wish  I  didn’t have  to.  I  don’t understand why  I  have  to help

her.

The  first  time  I  was  introduced  to Nancy,  I  was glad  for

the  company.  Except  at  first  she  didn’t  stay  long.  She

started to bring me my meals. And Phillip would tell me that

he was encouraging her to talk to me and be my friend but

that she was jealous of me.

They got me a Nintendo, which is fun. I ’m not as alone

as I  used to be. Nancy and Phillip sleep in the pullout couch.

I  have a pallet on the floor. Nancy came in the other day and

said she had been  looking  for a special bear  for me and

she said she finally found the perfect one. She hands me a

soft, squishy purple bear. I  told her I  loved him and I  would

try to think of a name for him. I  think I  will name him Nurple

Bear. I  hug him close every night. I  think Nancy is starting to

like me more. I ’m not really sure how I  feel about her. She

sometimes spends time with me and tells me about her job.

She works with old  people  at  a  convalescent  home. She

has  a  favorite  client. He’s  an  old  Italian man  named Mr.

Giovetti. She likes when she gets to take care of him. She

tells me that the family really appreciates the care she gives

him. I  hope she comes to bring me dinner soon.

Sometimes when Phillip stays up for days and days and

goes on a “run,” he talks about bringing Nancy in to “party

with us.”  I  do not  like  the sound of  that at all. How could  I

look at her the same way if I  had to have sex with her, too?

That would be disgusting.  I  hope she  feels  the same way.

Phillip says he’s been  trying  to convince her.  I   really pray

that she doesn’t agree. Phillip also wants to watch his dog,

Cesar, have sex with me. He says a dog’s penis is not as

long as his and it wouldn’t hurt me as bad. I  hope he is just

talking and doesn’t mean he will actually bring his dog  in.

It’s  one  of  the  Dobermans  that  he  said  patrolled  the

backyard. He said the male, Cesar, is not very aggressive;

it is the female, Hera, that was mean. He has thoughts and

ideas  that  I   have  never  thought  of  before.  Why  would

anyone have sex with a dog? How did Phillip get such crazy

ideas?  I   don’t want  to  be  here.  I  want  to  go  home  to my

mom.

There is a mini-fridge in here and they have put cartons

of chocolate milk and  regular milk. Phillip says his mother

works as a  janitor at a school and she brings  them home

for him. There  is also cereal  for me  to eat  in  the morning.

Phillip loves cereal. I  often hear him get up in the middle of

the night having a bowl. It’s very annoying, because I  don’t

like  being  woken  up  in  the  middle  of  the  night  and  he

constantly hits  the bowl with his spoon and makes a  loud

dinging, scraping sound. Sleep  is  the only escape  I  have.

When I  don’t dare think, I  dare to dream.

The  days  are  so  boring.  I  wonder what Phillip  does  all

day.  I   like  to make  things; with  the empty cartons of milk  I

have figured out how to make a Barbie couch and chairs. I

cut  the sides and  then  tape  them  into a shape  I   like, add

cotton balls for cushion, and then glue fabric on the outside

and voilà!  Instant Barbie  furniture. Nancy brings me  things

that  I   ask  for  when  she  can.  She  brings  me Disney

magazine and Highlights magazine, too. Nancy gave me a

Birthday  Barbie  a  few  days  after my  twelfth  birthday. An

odd thing happened on my actual birthday a few days ago.

Phillip comes  in while  I  am watching TV and  they say  that

he and Nancy have a surprise for me. I  get excited thinking

that  they remembered my birthday and  thought  they had a

present  for me. He  tells me  to close my eyes while Nancy

comes in and I ’m thinking she is hiding my present. When

Phillip says I  can open my eyes, I  see Nancy sitting on the

end of my bed with a slight grin on her face. She is staring

right at me.  I   interpret  this  to mean something, but  I ’m not

sure why she is staring at me so intently. I  look around the

room expecting  to see something wrapped up, but  I  don’t

see anything changed. Phillip says, “Well, can you find the

surprise?” I  get up to investigate the room. I  finally sit back

down and look at him and say I  can’t find anything. He says,

“No, silly,  it’s right  in  front of you.”  I   look  in  front of me and

only see Nancy. I ’m starting to feel really bad for not seeing

my  surprise  that  is  supposed  to  be  right  in  front  of me.  I

shrug my shoulders and just sit and wait for them to tell me.

All the while Nancy is turning her head this way and that and

shaking  it. Finally, Phillip points  to Nancy and says,  “Look

at Nancy’s hair.” I  look and see it’s not long like it used to

be  and  it  is  highlighted with  red  streaks. Nancy  tells me,

“Surprise. I  have a new hairdo that I  wanted you to see.” I  try

to  cover my  disappointment with  a  smile  and  I   tell  her  it

looks great. I  feel awkward and selfish for thinking that they

had  brought me  something.  I   hope  they  don’t  notice  how

disappointed I  am.

I   miss  my  mom.  My  mom  used  to  make  me  Barbie

clothes.  She  had  just  made  me  some  new  outfits  right

before  I  went away.  I  wonder what she  is doing  right now.

Does she miss me as much as I  miss her? I  try really hard

not to think of things that make me sad. I  do like to replay

memories of home  in my head.  I  don’t want  to  forget.  I ’m

afraid  I  won’t  remember what my mom  looks  like.  I   don’t

want  to picture her  in my head and yet at  the same  time  I

do. I  miss the times when it used to be just me and her and

she  would  scratch  my  back  or  make  me  macaroni  and

cheese.  I  miss her  singing  “You Are My Sunshine”  to me

and making me little things like Barbie clothes and kissing

me good night.

I  don’t want  to  forget  times with my aunt Tina,  too. Like

the time my aunt Tina picked me up from school and took

me to see the floats from the Rose parade. That is the last

time  I   saw her before we moved  to Tahoe.  I  posed  for a

picture for her that day. I  probably looked so goofy with my

tongue out as she snapped the picture. I  miss her so much

right  now.  She  was  always there  when  I   was  little.  She

taught me how to make my first twist ponytail in my Barbies’

hair. When she moved out from my grandma and grandpa’s

house where we  lived  together,  she would  still  come and

take  me  to  her  new  place  for  a  sleepover.  Our  favorite

movie to watch together is The Little Mermaid. I  wonder if

she  thinks of me. Will  I  ever see her again? Will anything

ever be the way it’s supposed to be?

Reflection

I t wasn’t until I  wrote the last paragraph on birthdays that

I  realized how little I  remembered my own birthdays during

my years of captivity.  I   think  I   told  them about my birthday

and  that’s  why  Nancy  gave  me  the  birthday  Barbie,  but

other  than  that  I   don’t  remember  anything  about  that  day.

The birthdays  I  do  remember were  the ones marked with

the ironic gift of a new tent. During those early years there

was no cake, no friends, and no memories to remember.

After  the  first year,  things changed and we all started  to

spend more time together. Phillip eventually rented movies

and bought  fast  food, he would pick up Nancy  from work,

and  we would  all  sit  on  the  pullout  bed  and  eat  a

smorgasbord  of  fast  food  and watch movies.  The  ones  I

remember  watching  were  scary  like Nightmare  on  Elm

Street.  I   also  remember watching Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtles. I  loved the old Star Trek series that was usually on

late  at  night,  too.  Eventually  I   started watching Star Trek:

The Next Generation. What  I   liked  about Star Trek  was

that  even  though  there  was  still  crime  in  the  universe,  it

didn’t exist on earth. I  liked that the earth had been cleaned

up.  I  especially  liked  that  future because  I   felt  I  didn’t have

one.

Nancy gave me a book on trees and I  copied it word for

word  into  a  book  I  made. Nancy would  always  bring me

something new when she came to check on me, like a new

book or new crayons. This made me  think she was  really

starting  to  like me.  I   thought  she was  so nice  to  take  the

time to come and see me even though she said it was hard

for her.  I  had my own standing  toilet with a built-in bucket.

Phillip would empty  it  outside  somewhere  in  the  yard,  he

said. This  took me  a  little  bit  to  get  used  to.  I   had  never

used  anything  but  a  regular  toilet  that  flushed.  I   thought  it

was gross that he was putting that kind of waste in the yard

but grew used to it over time. With time, I  grew used to all

kinds of things. Sometimes my bucket would get so full that

I  would have to hold it in when I  had to go. I  remember one

time  I  had  to go so badly  that  I  did  it  in  the garbage can.

Toilet  paper was  scarce,  too.  I  would  reuse  some  of  the

ones that just had dried pee; I  know that sounds gross, but

what  do  you  use  when  you  have  to  go  and  don’t  have

anything?  No  running  water,  no  way  to  go  get  what  you

need?  I  used what  I  had.  I  survived. There was  this daddy

longlegs  spider up  in  the  corner of  the  ceiling next  to  the

toilet.  I  named her Bianca and  I  would  talk  to her (maybe  I

watched Charlotte’s Web  a  few  too  many  times).  I   was

eleven  or  twelve  at  the  time  and  had  a  very  active

imagination.

Sometimes I  feel bad for not missing Nancy. But for the

most  part  it  is  a  relief  for me  to  not  have  to  endure  her

moods  and  the  jealousy  she  harbored.  She  did  have

several opportunities to let me go, and I  might never know

why she chose not to.