It is two a.m. in the morning. A will not go to sleep. She
is only quiet
when I stand
up and bounce
her on my
shoulder. Will she ever sleep through the night? My breasts
hurt so much from her nursing. I have told Phillip. He said he
would talk to a pharmacist. Hopefully he can find something
for me to
use to make
them feel better.
I have a new
rocking chair that Phillip found at the Salvation Army. I t
is all
one smooth line,
with this peach fabric covering it. It’s
so
ugly! But I am
grateful to have it. A loves to be rocked. I
rock
her for hours and
hours and sing “You Are My Sunshine”
just like my mom used to sing to me. Nancy
cassette player and
some of my
favorite Disney music.
Phillip also gave me
some of his
songs on tape
that he
made. I think I will put them on for A and see if that will
get
her to sleep. I like
to keep her on a schedule as much as I
can. She wakes up about nine a.m. for feeding and then we
both go back to sleep until about noon for another feeding,
then we will play for
a little bit. Games like peekaboo and
this little piggy. She is about three months now and growing
every day. She
has the biggest
eyes I’ve ever
seen. I
wonder if she will grow into them. I like to give her a bath a
little before bedtime
to help her
sleep. Phillip put a
microwave in the other room. I use it to heat up some water
in an old
wipes container. There
is no sink
in here, but
Phillip buys those
big water containers, so
I usually have
plenty of water to
bathe the baby
and brush my teeth
at
night. I have a baby
bath to put her in and clean towels and
washcloths. Nancy and Phillip get me whatever I
need for
the baby. I have toys
and clothes and plenty of diapers and
wipes. Sometimes the
baby gets a diaper rash and I use
Desitin to clear it up. She seems very healthy, though, and
inquisitive.
Life’s a lot nicer than it used to be since the baby came.
Phillip hasn’t made me have sex with him since the baby
came and no “runs” either. When I was
pregnant he didn’t
make me have sex, but one time I had to take off my shirt
and masturbate him.
Phillip and Nancy
come in to
visit a lot
more, too.
Sometimes they take A
in the studio
with them. That
is
where Phillip and Nancy are sleeping. I think Nancy
pretend that A is her baby.
I like the break
from the baby
because we are together 24/7, but I am also a little jealous.
I want some
attention, too.
I am so lonely.
Sometimes I dream about my friends that
I
used to have. Especially my very
first friend, Jessie. We
met in 1984 when I
was four and she was three. My mom
and I had just moved
into an apartment complex together. I t
was just me and her. Before then I had lived with her at my
grandma’s house. I
was so happy to be living with her in our
own place. Just
the two of
us. One day
I was playing
outside in the courtyard and another little girl came
outside
to play, too. She
had long dark brown hair and was very
skinny. She came over to where I was inspecting the juniper
bush for ladybugs
(my favorite pastime).
She came over
and started to look, too. I
pulled a ladybug off the bush and
showed it to her and
then put it on her hand. I t
fell to the
ground and when she went
to pick it
up she accidentally
squished it. I
started to cry and she
started to cry, too. As
our moms started to
come over to see
what was wrong,
she very gently
took another ladybug
from the bush
and
offered it to me. I
looked at it for a minute and then smiled
and accepted her gift. After
that we were inseparable and
our moms became
friends, too. I miss
her now more than
ever.
When we got older and
I was sent to
live with my aunt
and uncle for
the year, Jessie
would always send
me
special things. Like one time she sent me this bear that had
a secret spot
in the back
where you could
hide special
things. I loved that
bear and I
loved Jessie, too,
for not
forgetting me. I wonder what
her life is like now.
I always
thought we were the same but different. She was thin and I
was pudgy. She was outgoing and not shy, and I was
shy
and quiet. We both lived with our moms. No dads in our
lives. I wonder
if we would still be friends if
I was home. I
wish I could go home. I do
not ask to go home anymore.
Too painful to
even think about. I
just hope one day things
will get better. I can’t
imagine staying here until I ’m old and
gray, but yet I don’t
know what the future holds for me. All I
have is Phillip and
he always seems to know what to do.
Where would I go with
a baby? Who would want me?
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