Do you ever
think twice before
going to your
child’s
football or basketball game? Do you ever have to think, Am
I putting my kids’
future in jeopardy because I show up at
a
game? I have to think
about that every time I step out of the
house. Am I doing
something today with my kids to cause
them to get their photo taken and jeopardize their privacy?
I
know this is not a life-or-death situation, but it is hard
for me
nonetheless. Now that I
can, I want to be there for them
in all
the ways I couldn’t before—watch them play ball and help
out with school
functions—but I can’t
without risking
someone will recognize
me and connect
me with them.
Sometimes I feel like
I ’m still a prisoner. Yes, I could
decide
to say screw it
and to hell with what happens. But I
really
don’t have that
choice. I t is
a free country
and as such
people have the
right to take
your picture or
your kids’
picture and sell
it for the
highest price. I
spent eighteen
years hiding and not being seen, and now it almost
feels
like history is repeating itself. I
know that sounds dramatic
and maybe it is, but
it kills me inside to
tell my daughters
we can’t do something
together because I can’t
risk them
being connected with me.
I know it’s
not the end
of the
world. I will get
through this. I t will be an exercise of saying
no, putting my foot
down, and saying
it’s just too
risky—
something so simple. People watch their children’s games,
go to a school fair, host a spaghetti feed, and don’t even
think twice. Some may grumble and rather be in my shoes
and some just take it as a normal duty as a parent.
I feel I have missed out on so many things already
that I
hate to miss a second
more. But I have
to keep my girls
safe and their
lives normal. Sometimes
I have trouble
untangling my
past and my
present. My past
was spent
hiding and feeling
nervous when I was out
in public. I had
been conditioned to
blend in and
not draw attention—
change my hair color, wear a wig, put on glasses, and wear
a hat. Now it is mostly the same. Inside, I fight a war about
being the person I
want to be and tempering that with who I
need to be to keep my kids safe. When will the battle end?
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