25.Discovery and Reunion

On August 24th, Phillip took the girls to the FBI  office in

San Francisco. He said  that he  liked  to  take  the girls with

him because he thought that people were more apt to listen

when  they were with him.  I   thought  that at  least  it gave  the

girls a chance to get out of the house for a little bit. We had

not been able to go anywhere during that year because we

had to take care of Pat and she couldn’t be left home alone

for  long.  The  advanced  stages  of  Parkinson’s  and

dementia were taking a toll on her.

When  Phillip  and  the  girls  returned  home  later  that

afternoon, everything seemed normal.  I  asked how  it went

and if everything went the way he wanted it to. And he said

he had met two cops from the Berkeley campus who were

very interested in what he presented. He said “they flipped”

(a term he used often when describing people’s reactions)

and were excited  to hear more about his discovery, which

was that others could hear him speaking with the power of

his mind with the aid of his “black box.” He also dropped off

his documents entitled “Schizophrenia Revealed” to the FBI

office in San Francisco that day, too. He said he was met

with similar reactions. According  to Phillip,  this was  it and

he was  finally  going  to  be  able  to move  forward with  his

“God’s  Desire”  church  and  “fight  for  God.”  I   really  didn’t

think too much about what he said that day because I  had

heard it countless times before. The truth is, I  didn’t want to

think  about  it  because  I   didn’t  want  to  be  disappointed

again. Time and again he would tell me that we would finally

get  going  and  the  kids  could  have  a  real  tutor  and  we

wouldn’t have  to work  so hard  just  to get by. Deep down

inside  I  secretly held  the hope  that someday  if he made  it

big, he would return me to my mom. So it was easier for me

to just concentrate on the jobs I  had to do and not ask too

many questions. I  learned not to ask too many questions to

protect myself  from constantly being disappointed with his

answers that were always vague and repetitious.

The  next  day,  the  25th,  I   was  in  the  “backyard  office”

finishing up a print job that was due the next day. The girls

were outside playing. Nancy was  in  the house  taking care

of Pat, and Phillip was probably also  in  the house, either

sleeping  or  reading  the  Bible.  I t  was  approximately  five

p.m. All  of  a  sudden,  Nancy  came  running  in  to  tell  me

Phillip had been arrested.  I  was  in shock. At  first  I   thought

she was joking, but then I  saw the worry on her face. I  told

her  to calm down, everything would be  fine. Phillip always

said if anything ever happened that we just needed to get a

lawyer, so I  told her we should look in the Yellow Pages for

a lawyer and a bail bondsman. I  told her that Phillip would

use his one phone call to call us and he would tell us what to

do.  I  didn’t want  to alarm  the girls and  scare  them.  I had

plenty  of  practice  keeping  calm  and  unaffected  on  the

outside when on the inside I  felt anything but calm.

Nancy and I  told the girls and they were scared. They had

no  idea why he had been arrested. None of us did at  that

point. Throughout the years, the girls and I  grew up knowing

Phillip  was  on  parole  for  hurting  a  woman,  was  sent  to

prison for many years, and that the parole agents that came

to  the house were  there  to supervise him. And  that  it was

our job to keep the fact that we lived there a secret from the

parole agents. So they knew that much. I  had been hearing

all about his prison experience for years from Phillip.

A  few  hours  later,  as  we  were  all  sitting  in  the  house

trying  to be calm and  just wait  for his call,  in walks Phillip

and his parole agent through the back porch door. We were

stunned and relieved. Phillip was always the one with all the

answers and we didn’t know what to do without him. Nancy

ran to Phillip and put her arms around him while shedding

tears of stress and  relief;  the girls and  I  watched  from  the

living room as his parole agent uncuffs him, instructs him to

report  the next morning  to  the Concord parole office, and

leaves. After many hours of holding it together, I  finally lost it

and started to cry. I t probably looked to everyone like I  was

relieved to have him back, but the truth is on the inside I  felt

like  they were  tears of anger. Yes,  I  was angry! Angry at

everything. Angry  at  the  parole  agent  for  taking  him  and

then not taking him. Angry at Phillip for not doing anything to

prevent  all  of  this. We  relied  on  him,  and  I   guess  in  that

instant  it became clear how much we  relied on him and  it

didn’t  really  look like he cared.  I t was all about  the angels

this and the angels that. What about us? I t was always the

same old thing with him.

On  some  level  I   wonder  how  he  possibly  could  have

come back. Perhaps it was true no one remembered me. I

know  it only  fed Phillip’s delusions  that he was  somehow

above  the  law.  Phillip  believed  that  all  the  coincidences

surrounding  him  from  his  kidnapping  of  me  and  getting

away with  it  to present-day  things  like his parole officers’

inability  to  hold  him  for  anything  were  not  just  mere

coincidence, but the work of the angels. His theory was that

before he  took me, he was developing  the ability  to hear

the angels and that in order to shut him up they allowed him

to  get  away with  taking me  and  thus  keep  him  occupied

and out of  their realm. He  thought  there was no other way

he would  have  possibly  gotten  away with  his  kidnapping

that day save for them. I  had always believed in the good of

angels and  this only  further confused me. Was Phillip  truly

special  and  in  the  eyes  of God worthy  of  protecting? Or

merely  making  this  whole  story  up  to  give  himself  an

excuse? What about me? Wasn’t I  worth anything, or was I

merely an object to use?

For the most part, we were all relieved and went to bed

thinking it was over. The next morning as I  was still sleeping

in my  tent, Phillip comes out and  tells me  through  the  tent

window that I  need to get dressed because we are all going

down to the parole office this morning. He said he was tired

of this harassment from the authorities and wanted them to

see that everything was okay so he could continue with his

“project/mission.” I  was scared. I  didn’t know what to say. I

got dressed and came inside to find the girls dressed and

ready, too. Before we left the property, Phillip had me type

up  a  letter  for  a  lawyer  that  was based  in  Concord.  He

wanted to leave it with him on our way to the parole office,

letting him  know  that  his  project was moving  forward. He

added that he would need this particular lawyer’s services

shortly. Pat was still asleep, so Phillip thought she would be

okay until we got back. I  asked him what I  should say when

we get to the parole office. He said to say that I ’m the girls’

mother and  that  I  gave him permission  to have  them with

him and that, yes, I  was aware that he was a sex offender. I f

asked anything else, he said I  should ask for a lawyer and

say no more. We all got in the car and he could see I  was

nervous. He  said  everything would  be  fine  and  we’d  get

some breakfast on the way home. I  couldn’t say anything; I

just shrugged my shoulders. On the inside I  was wondering

what he thought he was doing; did he really think we could

just walk into his parole office and nothing would happen?

But  after  years  of  being  conditioned  to  listen  to  him  on

everything, it was easy to not say anything. Nancy didn’t say

anything the whole way up. The girls said everything would

be okay. I  was nervous that I  would say the wrong thing and

mess up whatever he had planned. All he kept  telling me

was  to  not  be  afraid  and  if  I  was  harassed  to  ask  for  a

lawyer right away. Phillip always planned everything before

he did it, so I  assumed that he had thought this one out, too.

When we arrived at the Concord parole office we all got

out of the car. Phillip marched us in the door of the parole

office.  I   recognized Phillip’s  parole  officer  coming  toward

us.  Confusion  registered  on  his  face  when  he  saw  that

Phillip  had  brought  minors  into  the  office  with  him.  He

asked me, the girls, and Nancy to please come with him to

the back. He said children were not permitted in the waiting

room. As we were being led away from Phillip, I  remember

looking back at him and asking with my eyes what  to do.

He winked at me. That was all. The parole agent led us into

a private room and asked what we were doing here. I  told

him all the things that Phillip told me to say. I  gave him the

name Allissa because that was the name I  had been using

since G was born. I t was the name that our clients knew me

by. After he questioned mostly me for about twenty minutes,

asking questions like who I  was and what was my purpose

for staying with  the Garridos, he decided  to  let us go and

gave me his card and told us we could leave.

We  went  out  the  back  way  and  sat  in  the  car  willing

Phillip to walk out of the building so we could return home. I

still  could not  fathom what  the outcome of  that day would

turn out to be. Nancy was strangely quiet, and I  asked her if

I  did okay with  talking with  the agent. She said  I  did really

good and she couldn’t think of anything I  could have added.

She didn’t understand why Phillip had brought us all in the

first place. Phillip never walked down those steps.

Instead,  two parole agents came out. One was  the one

that questioned me, and he had a partner with him. When

we  saw  them  coming,  I   asked Nancy what  she  thought  I

should say or do. She said I  could pretend to be a distant

relative  of  Phillip’s  mother  from  Missouri. When  the  two

agents arrived at  the car,  they asked us  to get out of  the

car.  I   looked at Nancy and asked her what we should do.

She said she didn’t know. While  the new agent asked  the

girls  and Nancy  to  sit  on  the  curb, Phillip’s  parole  officer

asked me  to  step  away with  him  because  he  had  a  few

questions for me. I  felt like I  was in big trouble. He said that I

had been lying to him. He said that I  was not the mother of

these kids. I  looked him in the eye and stated, “I  gave birth

to both of those girls and that makes me their mother!” He

said  Phillip  said  that  all  three  of  us  were  actually  his

brother’s kids. I  didn’t know what to say. I  couldn’t think of a

reason why Phillip would say such a thing after he had told

me  to  tell everyone  that  I  was  the mother of  the girls.  I   felt

like he abandoned me.

I   started  to  think  that  I   was  in  real  danger  of  getting

separated from my girls because  this man did not believe

me. He thought me a liar. I  thought this man would take the

kids from me if he thought I  wasn’t their mother, so I  started

to fight. And that’s what I  tried to do even though I  hated to

tell  this man  lies,  I  did my best  to convince him.  I  am not

proud of that today, but I  did what I  had always done … tried

to survive an impossible situation. I  told him that Phillip was

lying  for me,  that  I  was  running  from an abusive husband,

and I  didn’t want anyone to know where I  was. I  went on and

on. By  this  time,  the kids were really scared. My youngest

daughter  had  to  go  to  the  bathroom.  The  officer  said  to

walk with him  to  the bathroom. We started walking, and  I

tried again to convince the officer to let us go. He said he

had  to  call CPS  [Child Protective Services]. Phillip  spent

years  trying  to  convince me  he  was  the  one  with  all  the

power  and  answers.  I  was  so  scared,  and  even  though  I

was so close  to having my  life back,  I  still could not crash

through the wall that he built inside of me.

A new female officer came, and the kids and Nancy were

separated  from me.  In some strange way,  it  felt  like  I  had

become the suspect. I  was alone in a room all by myself. I

thought I  would never see my kids again. The officer thought

I  had  taken  the  kids and  run away  from  somewhere. The

officers said that if I  didn’t tell them my name and the truth, I

would be taken down to the police station and fingerprinted

and then they would find out who I  was. I  didn’t know what to

do.  I   asked  to  see Phillip. They  brought  him  in  handcuffs

into the room I  was in. I  looked at him. I  asked him in front of

the officers what I  should do. I  told him they might take the

girls away  from me and  I  couldn’t  let  that happen.  I  didn’t

know what  to do. He had always been  the one with all  the

answers. Now all he did was  look at me with dead eyes

and  said  I   needed  to  get  a  lawyer.  They  took  him  away.

After what seemed like another hour of me sitting in a room

by  myself,  apparently  giving  me  time  to  think  about  my

situation, they sent a woman officer to come talk to me.

During  that  time  alone  I   was  beginning  to  realize  that

Phillip was gone and that I  was on my own and needed to

take  care  of my  girls.  But  I   had  been  so  conditioned  to

protect  Phillip  and Nancy  that  telling  a  stranger my  story

was  not  easy  for me  and  I   could  not  do  it  at  first.  I   had

asked  for  a  lawyer  several  times,  but  the  answer  I   kept

getting was, Why  did  I   think  I   needed  a  lawyer  if  I   said  I

didn’t do anything wrong?

The woman officer was sympathetic and  reassured me

that my kids were okay and  that  I  would see  them again.  I

told her  I  didn’t know what  to do. She asked again  for my

name  and  I   told  her  I   couldn’t  tell  her.  She  told  me

everything  happens  for  a  reason  and  that  everything was

going  to be okay. She  left.  I  was alone again. She came

back a while later. I t felt like an eternity. I  must have gone to

the bathroom a million times. When she returns she tells me

Phillip  has  confessed.  She  said,  “He  confessed  to

kidnapping you several years ago.” She asked me again

for  my  name  and  asked  how  old  I   was  when  I   was

kidnapped.  I   felt  like I   had  just  been waiting  for  the  right

question, and I  said I  was eleven and that I  was twenty-nine

now. She was shocked. She asked  for my name again.  I

said I  couldn’t say it. I  wasn’t trying to be difficult. I  told her I

haven’t said  it  in eighteen years.  I   told her  I  would write  it

down. And  that’s what  I   did. Writing  shakily  on  that  small

paper, the letters of my name:

JAYCEELEEDUGARD

I t was  like breaking an evil spell.  In  that moment,  I felt

free but also exhausted and completely alive all at the same

me. Talk about an emotional  roller coaster.  I  wrote down

my name for the first time in eighteen years. She also had

me  write  down  my  date  of  birth  and  mother’s  name.  I

looked at her and said, I  can see my mom? She said, Yes!

After  they  had my  name  and  realized  who  I   was,  they

quickly reunited me with my girls.  I  was so relieved. Plans

were made  to  take me and  the girls over  to  the Concord

police  station  where  everyone  thought  we’d  be  more

comfortable.

At the police station, I  was given a room to wait in while

the girls were entertained in the front office. I  guess they felt

like I  needed some time by myself. During this time, I  was

visited  by many  people  including  the  female  officer  that  I

had given my name  to.  I  didn’t know why  I  was waiting  in

that  room.  I   was  asked  for  my  story  a  few  times,  and  I

recounted as much as I  could in all instances. During one of

these  visits  I  met Officers  T odd  and Beth.  They  came  to

introduce  themselves  and  asked if  there  was  anything  I

needed. At first I  said no but then I  reconsidered because I

could hear G in the other room talking to anyone that would

listen about how worried she was about her hermit crabs

back at the house. I  asked Officer T odd if it was possible to

get the hermit crabs from the house and let her have them,

and he said he would see what he could do. I  was also very

concerned  about  our  cats  and  the  two  dogs  I   had  been

taking care of for J, the neighbor. The two officers said they

would  try  to  get  some  answers  for me. Alone  again  the

tears I  had been holding back finally came pouring out, no

longer waiting for permission to fall.

Next step  involved me, a phone, and  two officers  from

the  El  Dorado  County  Sheriff’s  office.  I t  was  the  much-

anticipated phone call  to my mom.  I  was  really  running on

adrenaline by then; I  couldn’t eat the food that was offered, I

think  I  had  taken a sip of a Dr Pepper. My stomach was

tied  up  in  knots.  The  officers  first  asked  if  I   had  any

questions about anything and the question that popped into

my  mind  and  I   asked  was,  “Is  my  mom  still  with  my

stepfather, Carl?”  I  was  informed  that my mom  and Carl

had been separated for years and no longer lived together.

I   was  relieved  because  I   had  been  anxious  about  going

back to a house with Carl there. I  had come to resent him

for always  trying  to separate me and my mom when  I  still

had time with her.

In the room with the two officers and the phone sitting on

the desk, all I  could think of was “Mom.” That one word was

swimming  round  and  round  in my  head.  I   had  so much  I

wanted  to  say,  but  as  I   sat  there  listening  as  the  phone

rang, it felt like my tongue weighed a thousand pounds. The

first call was placed to her house. The phone rang and rang

and just when they were prepared to cut the connection and

try a different number,  the phone picked up and a  female

voice answered, “Hello?” The officers ask for my mom and

it sounds like the voice on the other end says she is at work

and  can  be  reached  there. The  officers  ask  if  this  is  her

daughter and when they get the answer “yes,” they proceed

to tell her the reason for calling. I  am sitting there listening,

thinking  that  I   cannot  believe  they  are  talking  to my  baby

sister. There were  times  in  the backyard  that  the people  I

loved  took on an almost dreamlike state and became not

real  but  imaginary  people  from  my  past.  The  officers

concluded  the  call  by  saying  that  they would  be  in  touch

again as soon as  they got ahold of our mom and hung up

the  phone.  The  next  call  they  placed  was  to  my  mom’s

workplace in an attempt to contact her. This time they were

put through to her and by the time I  heard her voice on the

other line, I  was at a complete loss for words. I  don’t even

remember what  I  said.  I’ve asked my mom since and she

told me that I  said I  had babies. I  can’t believe I  said that! I

meant  something  completely  different,  not  that  my  kids

were babies, but  I   just wanted her  to know  I  wasn’t alone

and that I  came with kids and in a way that was my attempt

to  see  if  she would  accept  them with me.  I   knew  I  would

never leave my kids and if my mom rejected them for some

reason,  I   didn’t  know  what  I   would  do.  I   wanted  her

desperately, but I  was also a mother with a responsibility to

my girls. Luckily, that turned out to not even be an issue and

we were all accepted with open arms.  I  believe  I  also got

out  the  words,  “Come  quick!”  I   remember  hearing  her

screaming  on  the  other  end  that  “My  daughter  has  been

found!” over and over and then I  said “I  love you!” and that’s

all I  remember from the initial call to my mom. I  wish I  could

remember every moment, but my mind was on overload.

Officer Todd arranged for the three of us to stay at a hotel

that night, and as we  left  the CPD, we drove past a news

van and barely missed being discovered. When we arrived

at the hotel, Todd’s partner, Beth, who we had also met at

the CPD,  brought  us  some  pajamas  and  toiletries.  T odd

pulled me aside and mentioned that the girls weren’t eating

because I  wasn’t eating and that if I  ate, it would help them.

So  I   announced  I   was  hungry  and  we  decided  on

enchiladas  for dinner.  I  could only  force down a couple of

bites, but at  least  it was something. And  the girls ate. We

were left alone together for the first time all day, and I  was

encouraged to tell the girls what was happening and why. I

tried to explain everything to them in a way I  thought would

be  right. As we  sat  on  the  bed  together  that  night  and  I

recounted  to  them  all  that  their  dad was  responsible  for,

they were surprisingly open to all that I  said and didn’t really

seem surprised  to hear any of  it.  I   told  them  that  the days

ahead would be tough on them both and me, too, but that I

would  do  all  I   could  to make  the  right  decisions  for  our

future and no matter what, we would be together. I  told them

I  would never leave them.

A knock on the door brought more people to meet, these

two  being  the  victim  advocates  assigned  to me  and my

daughters.  After  introductions,  we  were  left  to  our  own

privacy again.

I   was  nervous  about  the  reunion  the  next  day  with my

mom  and  sister, who  I  was  desperate  to meet. The  girls

were very supportive and excited for me. They slept in one

bed together, leaving me to toss and turn in the other bed. I

don’t think I  slept more than a few minutes that night. I  had a

terrible  sinus  headache from  crying  for  several  hours.

Questions  like: What  if my mom doesn’t accept  the girls?

What  if my mom hates me? What  if my mom  is  still with

Carl?  Could  I   have  tried  harder  to  leave? …  That  night,

many  thoughts  and  fears  and  guilty  feelings  regarding

Phillip and Nancy  tried  their best  to  implant  themselves  in

my head, and  it  left me  feeling exhausted by morning. My

world had turned upside down, and I  didn’t know what to do.

I   had  fears  for my  daughters. Would  I   be  able  to  protect

them  in  the outside world?  I  always had Phillip  to protect

them for me when we went out. And all of a sudden it was

just me. Everyone that I  had encountered had been so nice

and I  felt protected with them, but I  had a fear it would end

soon and I ’d be alone.

The next day finally came after a long and restless night. I

was so nervous my stomach was full of butterflies. Would I

recognize her? Would she remember me? Would she like

the  person  I   had  become? Would  she  be  mad  at  me?

Would  she  accept  my  girls  as  her  grandkids?  I   had  so

many  questions  and  thoughts.  Too many  for my mind  to

process. When  I  was  told  that my sister and my aunt had

come with my mom, I  was so excited and nervous that I  had

to  remind myself  to  breathe.  Every  time  someone  would

say the word “mom” I  would burst out crying. The FBI  agents

that had been brought in said they were going to brief her

and then I  would be able to see her. The briefing seemed to

take  forever,  but  the  time  finally  came.  With  a  last

encouraging hug from each of the girls I  followed one of the

many people  to  the elevator. Prior  to  that  I  was asked  if  I

prefer to meet my mom alone initially, and I  said that I  would

like  that  and  to  please  bring  the  girls  in  later.  Once

downstairs I  was escorted to the door of the room she was

in.  I ’m not sure  if  I   truly believed  that my mom was  in  that

room waiting  for me.  I  was convinced  that  this day would

never happen. On the threshold of the room I  was frozen for

a minute,  I   couldn’t move.  I   just  stared  wide-eyed  at  the

door. Finally, I  took a deep breath and I  made myself walk

through  the  door. And  there  she  was!  I   knew  it  was  her

instantly. For the longest time I  couldn’t remember what she

looked  like.  I  would  try  to draw her, but her  face wouldn’t

come to mind. Sometimes different aspects of each of my

daughters reminded me so much of my mom, but I  couldn’t

pinpoint exactly what  it was because  I  had  forgotten what

she looked like. But there she stood, with arms wide open. I

walked to her and she was smiling and crying and she put

her  arms  around me  and  I   felt  so  safe  and whole  again.

Even now just writing about it brings tears to my eyes. I  told

her  she  smelled  the  same,  she  said  it was  smoke, but  it

was  more  than  that—I   remembered  her  scent,  like  I

remembered from when I  was young. I t was the same; she

was  my  mom  and  she  was  holding  me.  The  whole

experience felt surreal.

As we stood there crying on each other’s shoulders, she

pulled back a little to look me in the eye and hold on to my

shoulders. She said to me, “I  knew I  would see you again.

Do you remember when we used to sit outside on the porch

swing and  talk about  the moon as  it rose high  in  the sky?

Well, when you were taken from me, I  used the moon to talk

to you. I’ve been talking to you for so long. The other night

the moon was full and bright and I  asked the moon, Okay,

where are you, Jayc? The next day  I  get  the call  that you

have  been  found.”  I   look  at  her  astonished.  I   tell  her  I

remember that moon, too. I  was walking out to my tent and

for some reason I  looked up and stared at the moon for a

few minutes. I t seemed strange to me at the time because I

usually avoided looking at the moon. I  tell her that it was too

painful because  it brought back memories of her. But  that

moon was so bright  it caught my eye.  “Now  I ’m here with

you.”

We hug some more and then sit down to catch up on our

many years apart.